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You want to start your own small business. Write a letter to a bank requesting information about obtaining a business loan to finance your new company. v.2

You want to start your own small business. Write a letter to a bank requesting information about obtaining a business loan to finance your new company. v. 2
I am writing to inquire about the possibility of a business loan from your bank to finance a startup business I have planned to commence soon. I am hoping you would provide me with some information and document requirements so that I can apply for the loan. I have completed my graduation from the University of Edison and my major was marketing. Now I am interested to start a coffee shop of my own and need a loan to support it. I own the location of the shop and have some prior experience of working at a large coffee shop. A business outlining firm responsible for the business plan has suggested a capital requirement of $10, 000 for the coffee shop. I can finance 50% of the fund requirement and need another $5000 as a loan from your bank. My father would be ready to be a guarantor for the loan and I can repay the loan amount with interests within 2 years. However, I need three months' grace period before I start repaying my monthly instalment. I would really appreciate if you could send me details of the loan including the interest rates, monthly instalment amount and so on. Also, forward me the documents I need to fill in and submit to actually apply for the loan. Yours faithfully, James Moore
I am writing to inquire about the possibility of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
from your bank to finance a startup
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
I have planned to commence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
. I am hoping you would provide me with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
information and document requirements
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that I can apply for the loan.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
have completed my graduation from the University of Edison and my major was marketing.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
I
am interested
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a coffee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
of my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
to support it. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
the location of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
prior experience of working at a large coffee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
outlining firm responsible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
plan has suggested a capital requirement of $10, 000 for the coffee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
. I can finance 50% of the fund requirement and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
another $5000 as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
from your bank.

My father would be ready to be a guarantor for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
and I can repay the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
amount with interests within 2 years.
However
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
three months' grace period
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
repaying my monthly
Possible spelling mistake. 'instalment' is British English.
instalment
.

I would
really
appreciate if you could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
me
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
including the interest rates, monthly
Possible spelling mistake. 'instalment' is British English.
instalment
amount and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Also
, forward me the documents I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to fill in and submit to actually apply for the loan.

Yours
faithfully
,

James Moore
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS letter You want to start your own small business. Write a letter to a bank requesting information about obtaining a business loan to finance your new company. v. 2

Letter
  American English
6 paragraphs
221 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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