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You recently attended a conference and you would like to give a presentation in your office about the information you gained by attending the conference. v.2

You recently attended a conference and you would like to give a presentation in your office about the information you gained by attending the conference. v. 2
Dear Mr Walee, I have recently attended a conference in Dubai and I believe I have accumulated some valuable information in call forwarding technology, roaming and data transfer in the telecom industry. I am wondering if you would permit me to give a presentation to our team in order to present them some insights of what recent telecom world looks like. My plan for the presentation session is to cover two important topics which were reported at the conference I attended. I am thinking to get the guys gathered in the meeting room on Monday morning, at 9: 00 am. With your permission, I will do it in two separate sessions to present topics - "Modern challenges facing mobile telecom in international call forwarding, roaming and data clusterisation" and "New emerging services". I think the presentation will last for two hours, an hour for each module. I have attached the materials which will be narrated in the session. Your approval is kindly requested for the content of the presentation and for the member of the team to attend it. My suggestion is to involve the whole team as it is extremely important related to our work environment and job performance. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon regarding this. Yours sincerely, Alwhab Mansur
Dear Mr
Possible spelling mistake found.
Walee
,

I have recently attended a conference in Dubai and I believe I have accumulated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
valuable information in call forwarding technology, roaming and data transfer in the telecom industry. I am wondering if you would permit me to give a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
presentation
to our team in order to present them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
insights of what recent telecom world looks like.

My plan for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
presentation
session is to cover two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
topics which
were reported
at the conference I attended. I am thinking to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the guys gathered in the meeting room on Monday morning, at 9: 00 am. With your permission, I will do it in two separate sessions to present topics
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Modern challenges facing mobile telecom in international call forwarding, roaming and data
Possible spelling mistake found.
clusterisation
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
and
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
New emerging services
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
presentation
will last for two hours, an hour for each module.

I have attached the materials which will
be narrated
in the session. Your approval is kindly requested for the content of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
presentation
and for the member of the team to attend it. My suggestion is to involve the whole team as it is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
related to our work environment and job performance.

I am looking forward to hearing from you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
regarding this.

Yours
sincerely
,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Alwhab
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mansur
0Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS letter You recently attended a conference and you would like to give a presentation in your office about the information you gained by attending the conference. v. 2

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
214 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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