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You have seen an advertisement in this week’s magazine that invites suitable candidates to apply for the sales manager position in a company. v.3

You have seen an advertisement in this week’s magazine that invites suitable candidates to apply for the sales manager position in a company. v. 3
Dear Sir or Madam, I have recently noticed your job advertisement for the post of sales manager at the Rubin Gorham Inc. and wish to apply for the position. I am hoping to meet you in person to further discuss my candidacy. I earned my bachelor degree in Marketing and Finance from Macquarie University in Sydney, Australia in 2015 and then migrated to the United Kingdom as a permanent resident to stay with my mother. Having finished my graduation in marketing and finance, I immediately joined Lucas Inc. , a large car manufacturing company in Australia. I worked with them as a marketing executive for two and a half years and was promoted to the senior marketing researcher position after a year. I quit the job to move to the UK in early 2017. Now I am working as a sales lead for a manufacturing company in London. I am a self-motivated individual and love to make sales happen under my direct supervision. I manage a team of 8 members and take my responsibility religiously. I am quite positive that I would be a valuable asset to your company. I, herein, enclose my curriculum vitae which states my educational and professional details for your kind consideration. I look forward to meeting you soon in a formal interview. Yours faithfully, Nicole Tyler
Dear Sir or Madam,

I have recently noticed your job advertisement for the post of sales manager at the Rubin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Gorham
Inc. and wish to apply for the position. I am hoping to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
you in person to
further
discuss my candidacy.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
earned my bachelor degree in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Marketing
and Finance from Macquarie University in Sydney, Australia in 2015 and then migrated to the United Kingdom as a permanent resident to stay with my mother. Having finished my graduation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marketing
and finance, I immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
Lucas Inc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
a large car manufacturing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in Australia. I worked with them as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marketing
executive for two and a half years and
was promoted
to the senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marketing
researcher position after a year. I quit the job to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the UK in early 2017.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
I am working as a sales lead for a manufacturing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in London. I am a self-motivated individual and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sales happen under my direct supervision. I manage a team of 8 members and take my responsibility
religiously
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
that I would be a valuable asset to your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
, herein, enclose my curriculum vitae which states my educational and professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
for your kind consideration.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
look forward to meeting you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
in a formal interview.

Yours
faithfully
,

Nicole Tyler
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS letter You have seen an advertisement in this week’s magazine that invites suitable candidates to apply for the sales manager position in a company. v. 3

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
218 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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