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You have recently applied for a course at a college and have been accepted. However, you cannot join the course due to some reasons. v.5

You have recently applied for a course at a college and have been accepted. However, you cannot join the course due to some reasons. v. 5
Dear Sir or Madam, It is quite a privilege for me to have been granted admission at your renowned college, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to enrol in the course because of some unavoidable reasons. However, I am expecting to enrol in this same course at a favourable time, if you allow me to do so. During the last fall semester, I applied for a 2-years Masters degree in Business Administration and got accepted immediately as the classes were to start from mid-September. By the way, I always wanted to study Business Administration because I had always wanted to be a business administration and management personnel from my early high school years and due to this, I have completed my Bachelor degree in Business Administration. So, I was naturally quite excited to have an admission at your college. Then, suddenly, after getting the admission letter from your college, I got an offer of a paid internship from a very prestigious bank in my country to work as a Management Trainee. And, since it was a great opportunity for me to gain some valuable experience in the field of Management, I immediately decided to accept the offer. But, I would still like to study at your college in the same course, if you consider me for the next semester, only if you kindly tell me about the procedure. Yours faithfully, Peter Joshua
Dear Sir or Madam,

It is quite a privilege for me to have
been granted
admission at your renowned college,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unfortunately, I won’t be able to enrol in the course
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unavoidable reasons.
However
, I am expecting to enrol in this same course at a
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
time, if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
me to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

During the last fall semester, I applied for a 2-years
For an academic degree, use "Master’s".
Masters
degree in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Administration
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
immediately as the classes were to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
from mid-September. By the way, I always wanted to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Administration
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I had always wanted to be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
administration
and management personnel from my early high school years and due to this, I have completed my Bachelor degree in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Administration
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I was
naturally
quite excited to have an admission at your college. Then,
suddenly
, after getting the admission letter from your college, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
an offer of a paid internship from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
prestigious bank in my country to work as a Management Trainee.

And, since it was a great opportunity for me to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
valuable experience in the field of Management, I immediately decided to accept the offer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I would
still
like to study at your college in the same course, if you consider me for the
next
semester,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if you kindly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
me about the procedure.

Yours
faithfully
,

Peter Joshua
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS letter You have recently applied for a course at a college and have been accepted. However, you cannot join the course due to some reasons. v. 5

Letter
  American English
6 paragraphs
231 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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