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You have bought a new camera but when you got it home you found it had some problems. You returned the camera and spoke to the company representative a week ago but the camera has still not been repaired. v.3

You have bought a new camera but when you got it home you found it had some problems. You returned the camera and spoke to the company representative a week ago but the camera has still not been repaired. v. 3
Dear Sir or Madam, A week ago I purchased a Sony digital camera from your store. I was excited when I brought it home but very disappointed to find that the product was faulty and unusable. I am 28 years old and working in a private company. I am hoping you will replace it. In relation to the specifics of the order, I purchased this Sony - Cyber-shot DSC-HX80 18. 2-Megapixel Digital Camera from your store on April 17th using my Visa credit card. The order number is D4582135 and I am attaching a copy of my receipt. The issue with the camera is that sometimes it turns off unexpectedly, strange dots appear on the LCD screen and I cannot access the photos in internal memory, so I’m sure these are manufacturing flaws. As a solution, and because I really like the functionality of the camera, I am hoping that you will agree to replace the faulty one with a new and fresh one. Otherwise, I would like a full refund. If I do not hear back from you in regards to this within a week, I would like to lodge a written complaint to your higher authority. Thank you for giving the matter your attention and I hope to hear your reply soon. Yours faithfully, Oliver Felix
Dear Sir or Madam,

A week ago I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
a Sony digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
from your store. I
was excited
when I brought it home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
disappointed to find that the product was faulty and unusable. I am 28 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and working in a private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am hoping you will replace it.

In relation to the specifics of the order, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
this Sony
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
Cyber-shot DSC-HX80 18. 2-Megapixel Digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Camera
from your store on April 17th using my Visa credit card. The order number is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
D4582135 and
I am attaching a copy of my receipt.

The issue with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it turns off
unexpectedly
, strange dots appear on the LCD screen and I cannot access the photos in internal memory,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I’m sure these are manufacturing flaws.

As a solution, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
really
like the functionality of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
, I am hoping that you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to replace the faulty one with a new and fresh one.
Otherwise
, I would like a full refund. If I do not hear back from you
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
in regards to
this within a week, I would like to lodge a written complaint to your higher authority.

Thank you for giving the matter your attention and I hope to hear your reply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.

Yours
faithfully
,

Oliver Felix
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS letter You have bought a new camera but when you got it home you found it had some problems. You returned the camera and spoke to the company representative a week ago but the camera has still not been repaired. v. 3

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
217 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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