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You eat in your college cafeteria everyday lunchtime. However, you think it needs some improvements. v.2

You eat in your college cafeteria everyday lunchtime. However, you think it needs some improvements. v. 2
Dear Mr Scott, I am writing this letter to bring a couple of issues to your attention with regards to our college cafeteria. I am hoping that you would publish an article related to this in our college magazine in its next publication. I have been going to our college cafeteria since the time I started college, and I have always liked it since then. In fact, the perfect location of the cafeteria, its hygiene and cleanliness, and varieties of the menu – all have contributed greatly in attracting many students from our college. However, when it comes to prices of some of the food items as well as the customer service, the cafeteria could certainly do some improvements. Now, I understand that the price of the food can be a bit tricky issue to address but I believe that everyone would also agree that some of the foods are overpriced, especially, for college students, many of whom don’t have their own source of income. So, based on the issues above, I would appreciate it if you publish an article that addresses how this cafeteria is serving us, how the prices of some foods could be reduced a little and staffs can be a bit more proactive sooner than later. That would be helpful to all students who eat in the college cafeteria. Yours sincerely, Alex Joshua
Dear Mr Scott,

I am writing this letter to bring a couple of issues to your attention
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
our college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cafeteria
. I am hoping that you would publish an article related to this in our college magazine in its
next
publication.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
have been going to our college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cafeteria
since the time I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
college, and I have always liked it since then. In fact, the perfect location of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cafeteria
, its hygiene and cleanliness, and varieties of the menu
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
all have contributed
greatly
in attracting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students from our college.
However
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to prices of
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
items
as well
as the customer service, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cafeteria
could
certainly
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
improvements.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, I understand that the price of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can be a
It seems that there's a missing preposition after ''.
bit
tricky issue to address
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that everyone would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are overpriced
,
especially
, for college students,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of whom don’t have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
source of income.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, based on the issues above, I would appreciate it if you publish an article that addresses how this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cafeteria
is serving us, how the prices of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
and staffs can be a bit more proactive sooner than later. That would be helpful to all students who eat in the college cafeteria.

Yours
sincerely
,

Alex Joshua
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS letter You eat in your college cafeteria everyday lunchtime. However, you think it needs some improvements. v. 2

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
226 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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