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You are going to study abroad. You would like to take a part time job while you are studying. Ask your friend who lives there to help you

You are going to study abroad. You would like to take a part time job while you are studying. Ask your friend who lives there to help you XMmq
Dear Tommy, Hey Tommy, I will study in your country next month. I need your help for finding a part time job for me after my college class finish and I will be appreciate it if you want to help me. I'm planning to go to college next month and I realise you live in there. My college is in the middle of the capital city so it would be really crowded. My college start at 8 am and it will end at least at 3 pm and I got a free time. My college and my flat is not that far so it will not take a long time to take a public transportation. To be honest, I need a part time job to pay the flat fee. I have to work to get money to pay this. I search the environment near there and I see many cafe and restaurant there. I can work as a waiter after my college class is finish. I can do a night shift if they don't have any waiter. I hope you can help me for this. See you soon, Sarah
Dear Tommy,

Hey Tommy, I will study in your country
next
month. I need your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
for finding a part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
job for me after my college
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
finish and I will be
Consider using the past participle "appreciated"?
appreciate
it if you want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me.

I'm planning to go to college
next
month and I
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in there. My college is in the middle of the capital city
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it would be
The extreme adjective for crowded is "packed".
really crowded
. My college
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
at 8 am and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
at least at 3 pm and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
My
college and my flat
You should probably use "am", "are", "aren".
is
not that far
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it will not take a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to take a public transportation.

To be honest, I need a part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
job to pay the flat fee. I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
money to pay this.

I search the environment near there and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
'cafe' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "café"
cafe
and restaurant there.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
can work as a waiter after my college
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
is finish.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
can do a night shift if they don't have any waiter.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
hope you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me for this.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
See
you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
, Sarah

IELTS letter You are going to study abroad. You would like to take a part time job while you are studying. Ask your friend who lives there to help you

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
188 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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