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You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help. v.5

You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help. v. 5
Dear Marcus, Hope you and family are doing great. I have got admitted to the Queen Mary University of London for my MSc in Accounting and Finance. This is a full-time course and hopefully, I will fly to London next month. To support my tuition fee and get some work experience, I am planning to get a part-time job and I am hoping that you can help me find a suitable one. My class will begin on 2nd November and I will arrive in the UK on 24th October. I want to pursue a career in the financial service industry in my home country and want to take advantages of the contemporary and specialised approach to accountancy and finance that this course offers. The worlds of accountancy and finance are always changing due to the changing legal framework the financial sector operates in. This is why I have decided to enrol in this course. I plan to finish it on time and learn as much as possible. To assist in covering my tuition fee and get some job experience, I intend to do a part-time job, specifically in an accounting firm. Hope my Bsc in Accounting would be helpful for that. I hardly know anyone in the UK except you and I know that you have a wide social network in London that you can use to manage a job for me. I have forwarded my Curriculum Vitae to your email and I am expecting that you can manage a part-time job before I arrive at London. I would be indebted for your support. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Take care and stay fine. Best wishes, Stacy
Dear Marcus,

Hope you and family are doing great. I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
admitted to the Queen Mary University of London for my
Consider using a more common abbreviation of this university degree.
MSc
in Accounting and Finance. This is a full-time course and
hopefully
, I will
fly
to London
next
month. To support my tuition fee and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
work experience, I am planning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a part-time
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
job and
I am hoping that you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me find a suitable one.

My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
on 2nd November and I will arrive in the UK on 24th October. I want to pursue a career in the financial service industry in my home country and want to take advantages of the contemporary and
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialised' is British English.
specialised
approach to accountancy and finance that this course offers. The worlds of accountancy and finance are always changing due to the changing legal framework the financial sector operates in. This is why I have decided to enrol in this course. I plan to finish it on time and learn as much as possible.

To assist in covering my tuition fee and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "jobs"?
job
experience, I intend to do a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
specifically
in an accounting firm. Hope my
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bsc
in Accounting would be helpful for that. I hardly know anyone in the UK except you and I know that you have a wide social network in London that you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
to manage a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for me. I have forwarded my Curriculum Vitae to your
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
email and
I am expecting that you can manage a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
I arrive at London.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
would
be indebted
for your support.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
look forward to hearing from you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
. Take care and stay fine.

Best wishes,

Stacy
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS letter You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help. v. 5

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
279 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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