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Letter to an authority about a short circuit

Letter to an authority about a short circuit MlDXe
Dear sir, My name is jay dev juyal and I am writing this letter due to the unavailability of electrical supply at my house. Yesterday, rained heavily and a nearby transformer got a short circuit, after that, it was not turn on. I and neighbours notified the electrical division about the short circuit, they replied that "they will fix it by morning", it is 8 o'clock in evening now but it is still in the same condition. None of the electrical people reported here till now. We are out of electrical supply and not able to do anything at home because all our appliances are connected to electricity solely. Kindly connect with the local electrical department and sort out the issue as early as possible. To go to a higher authority will be my next stage and a complaint will be registered against both of the sections. Thanks
Dear sir,

My name is jay dev
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
juyal and
I am writing this letter due to the unavailability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electrical
supply at my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. Yesterday, rained
heavily
and a nearby transformer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a short circuit, after that, it was not turn on.

I and
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
notified the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electrical
division about the short circuit, they replied that
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
it by morning
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
, it is 8 o'clock in evening
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
still
in the same condition. None of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electrical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
reported here till
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. We are out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electrical
supply and not able to do anything at home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
all our appliances
are connected
to electricity
solely
.

Kindly connect with the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electrical
department and sort out the issue as early as possible. To go to a higher authority will be my
next
stage and a complaint will
be registered
against both of the sections.

Thanks
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IELTS letter Letter to an authority about a short circuit

Letter
  American English
5 paragraphs
147 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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