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Letter for finding part time job in foreign country

Letter for finding part time job in foreign country Arp8L
Dear Henry, Hope you are doing great in canada. Give my wishes to your parents. It's a long time since we have made a conversation. You will be joyous to hear that I have been granted a four years student visa of canada. I will be allowed to work for 20 hours a week while I am studying. So, I would like to join some part time work and for that i require your help. I am planning to work for full days on week ends. You are well versed with financial condition of my family and I do not want to put additional burden of my school fees and routine expenses on my family. I am herewith attaching my resume for your reference. I suggest that you please disseminate the same amongst your friends and also please give them to the local recruitment agencies. That would help me to lend an interview when I reach there. I can't wait to meet you and relive our school days. If you require any details from my side please let me know. Thanks Pankaj
Dear Henry, Hope you are doing great in
Possible spelling mistake found.
canada
. Give my wishes to your parents. It's a long time since we have made a conversation. You will be joyous to hear that I have
been granted
a four years student visa of
Possible spelling mistake found.
canada
. I will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work for 20 hours a week while I am studying.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
work and for that
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
require your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
. I am planning to work for full days on week ends. You are well versed with financial condition of my family and I do not want to put additional burden of my school fees and routine expenses on my family. I am herewith attaching my resume for your reference. I suggest that you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
disseminate the same amongst your friends and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
give them to the local recruitment agencies. That would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to lend an interview when I reach there.

I can't wait to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
you and relive our school days.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
you require any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
from my side
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me know.
When a person is directly addressed, a comma should set off the name: "Thanks, Pankaj"?
Thanks Pankaj
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IELTS letter Letter for finding part time job in foreign country

Letter
  American English
2 paragraphs
181 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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