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advising to a friend to choose going to a colleague or work

advising to a friend to choose going to a colleague or work 70ry5
Dear Mary, I'm excited to hear you're thinking about your future goals and I'd be more than happy to answer your questions. I think you wouldn't enjoy to go college and study hard, because your scores always have been far awful. So you're not the person who's interested in science and be able to stand stressful conditions in college. Another reason is that studying in college cos an arm and a leg, honestly, you can't afford it. although I don't suggest you enter college, I highly recommend you find a job. As I know you well, you're really active and have experienced summer jobs several times and its experience made you satisfied. The main reason to apply for a career is that if your start working as a 20- year- old person, you'll gain very useful practical skills and make a lot of money. My advice for you is that you'd better find a job which is related to arts such as art gallery, music institution or even teaching painting. because you're a gifted at art and actually you're the artist one. I hope you find this letter helpful. If you have any further questions, you can call me. take care, Mahtab
Dear Mary,

I'm excited to hear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
you're
thinking about your future goals and I'd be more than happy to answer your questions.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
you wouldn't
The verb 'enjoy' is used with the gerund form: "enjoy going".
enjoy to go
college and study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
your scores always have been far awful.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
you're
not the person who's interested in science and be able to stand stressful conditions in college. Another reason is that studying in college cos an arm and a leg,
honestly
, you can't afford it.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
although
I don't suggest you enter college, I
highly
recommend you find a job. As I know you well,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
you're
really
active and have experienced summer jobs several times and its experience made you satisfied. The main reason to apply for a career is that if your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working as a 20- year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
person, you'll gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.

My advice for you is that you'd better find a job which
is related
to arts such as art gallery, music institution or even teaching painting.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
you're
a gifted at art and actually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
you're
the artist one. I hope you find this letter helpful. If you have any
further
questions, you can call me.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
take
care,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Mahtab
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IELTS letter advising to a friend to choose going to a colleague or work

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
201 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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