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Young people who commit crime should be punished the same way as adults who commit crime. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Young people who commit crime should be punished the same way as adults who commit crime. v. 1
Presently, crime rate is increasing all over the world and most of these are actively committed by youngsters and middle-aged people. So, most of the public opinion that people who is actively participating in these activities should be seriously taken into consideration. In addition, people who commit crime should be responsible in facing the consequences though these people were immature. I completely with these viewpoints and suggest my opinion. Interesting, most of the crimes were organized by teenagers around the world. Besides, these people do not know the consequences faced by them once they were sent to prison. Indeed, the current laws should also be modified because there were a lot of loop holes in the present law which would favour to the children. A research stated that 90% of the crimes in Iran got decreased after modification of the rules, that were imposed on the public who commit crimes. Firstly, children are getting influenced by the movies, while those movie makers portray negative characters more effectively. As a result, these are showing a huge impact on the teenagers and middle-aged people. Secondly, filmmakers should help to restrain fear in humans, what are the punishments in the prison if they violate the rules and cause damage to society. For instance, the top ten safest countries in the world, make advertisements of punishments if any person caught committing illegal activities. In conclusion, youngsters and middle-aged people should be guided in a correct manner and make realize the power of the justice. Indeed, people should fear that everyone is equal before the law, whereas the law enforcement agencies should try to bring awareness among people. Therefore, I believe that everyone should play a crucial role in order to reduce illegal activities.
Presently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate is increasing all over the world and most of these are
actively
committed by youngsters and middle-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, most of the public opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
actively
participating in these activities should be
seriously
taken into consideration.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
should be responsible in facing the consequences though these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were immature. I completely with these viewpoints and suggest my opinion.

Interesting, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
were organized
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
around the world.
Besides
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not know the consequences faced by them once they were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to prison.
Indeed
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
should
also
be modified
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
loop holes in the present
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
which would
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
to the children.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
stated that 90% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in Iran
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
decreased after modification of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, that
were imposed
on the public who commit crimes.

Firstly
, children are getting influenced by the movies, while those movie makers portray
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
characters more
effectively
.
As a result
, these are showing a huge impact on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and middle-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Secondly
, filmmakers should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to restrain fear in humans, what are the punishments in the prison if they violate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and cause damage to society.
For instance
, the top ten safest countries in the world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
advertisements of punishments if any person caught committing illegal activities.

In conclusion
, youngsters and middle-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be guided
Consider replacing "in a correct manner" with the adverb for "correct"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a correct manner
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
realize the power of the justice.
Indeed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should fear that everyone is equal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
, whereas the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
enforcement agencies should try to bring awareness among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Therefore
, I believe that everyone should play a crucial role in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
illegal activities.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Young people who commit crime should be punished the same way as adults who commit crime. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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