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Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Mothers are generally excellent care-givers and for this reason, some individuals believe they should concentrate extensively on child-care rather than developing their careers. I, however, disagree with this notion for a number of reasons. To begin with, mothers focusing majorly on nurturing children increases financial dependency which could lead to embarrassment. Every individual have monetary need and the working class citizens are always able to afford whatever they require without necessarily waiting for someone to provide for them. This, however, is different for mothers who are committed only to taking care of children, as this activity yields no income and they would forever depend on people for funds, which, could be sometimes embarrassing as those individuals are bond to disgrace them due to their constant request. For instance, a neighbour of mine who is a full- time child care-giver, told me of how her husband recently insulted her because she requested for money to purchase hair. In addition, paying attention to just raising children could lead to loneliness and subsequently, depression. Career individuals are always active, they sometimes have places to attend were they meet people and generally increase their network. This is not the case for mothers who strictly take care of children as they are usually indoors with no one to communicate with, making them feel lonely. Furthermore, doing this for a long period of time increases boredom therefore making them depressed and needing medical attention. To illustrate, the Nigerian Institute of Psychologist recently published that 50% of depression in nursing mothers is associated to their loneliness. In conclusion, I completely disagree that mothers should major only on fostering children because it makes them depend mostly on people for funds as well as causing depression.
Mothers are
generally
excellent care-givers and
for this reason
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
believe they should concentrate
extensively
on child-care
rather
than developing their careers. I,
however
, disagree with this notion for a number of reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, mothers focusing
majorly
on nurturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
increases financial dependency which could lead to embarrassment. Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
have monetary need and the working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
citizens are always able to afford whatever they require without
necessarily
waiting for someone to provide for them. This,
however
, is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
for mothers who
are committed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to taking care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, as this activity yields no
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
income and
they would forever depend on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for funds, which, could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
embarrassing as those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are bond to disgrace them due to their constant request.
For instance
, a
Possible spelling mistake. ‘neighbour’ is British English.
neighbour
of mine who is a full- time child care-giver,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me of how her husband recently insulted her
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she requested for money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
hair.

In addition
, paying attention to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could lead to loneliness and
subsequently
, depression. Career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are always active, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
have places to attend were they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
generally
increase their network. This is not the case for mothers who
strictly
take care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they are
usually
indoors with no one to communicate with, making them feel lonely.
Furthermore
, doing this for a long period of time increases boredom
therefore
making them depressed and needing medical attention. To illustrate, the Nigerian Institute of Psychologist recently published that 50% of depression in nursing mothers
is associated
to their loneliness.

In conclusion
, I completely disagree that mothers should major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on fostering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them depend
mostly
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for funds
as well
as causing depression.

IELTS essay Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. with this statement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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