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Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The controversial topic about the idea which supports the females to prioritize growing up children on their jobs always attracted public attention. There has been a heated debate on whether this idea can provide benefits to our society or not. This remains a debatable issue. In this essay, I shall illustrate my points of view by analysing both sides of the argument before reaching a proper conclusion. There are several factors that support the women to concentrate mainly on raising up their children rather than their works. Firstly, a survey had been performed in Iraq in 2015. The majority (78%) of parents think that mothers should give the priority to childcare rather than other duties. Secondly, In Iraq, mother can take leave permission from her job after birth delivery, while men can not apply for this leave. Finally, women are emotionally very good with children so it is reasonable to stay and grow their children. On the other hand, other individuals may disagree by saying that the women should maintain a balance between home tasks and outside works. I watch a TV documentary on a doctor (father) and a nurse (mother) with their children. They organised their duties in a way that both parents can go to work and raise their children. The doctor and nurse had been chosen as the happiest family by the TV program viewers. Moreover, I went to a seminar last year. It was about the successful family. One of the points was about cooperative works between parents in raising their children. In conclusion, women can set up a plan with men, so they can perform their job and raise their children. Therefore, I strongly believe that women should not only focus on growing up children, but also focus on their other tasks.
The controversial topic about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
which supports the females to prioritize growing up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on their jobs always attracted public attention. There has been a heated debate on whether this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
can provide benefits to our society or not. This remains a debatable issue. In this essay, I shall illustrate my points of view by
Possible spelling mistake. ‘analysing’ is British English.
analysing
both sides of the argument
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a proper conclusion.

There are several factors that support the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to concentrate
mainly
on raising up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rather
than their works.
Firstly
, a survey had
been performed
in Iraq in 2015. The majority (78%) of parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that mothers should give the priority to childcare
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
duties.
Secondly
, In Iraq, mother can take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
permission from her job after birth delivery, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
can not apply for this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
emotionally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is reasonable to stay and grow their children.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
individuals may disagree by saying that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should maintain a balance between home tasks and outside works. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
a TV documentary on a doctor (father) and a nurse (mother) with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They
Possible spelling mistake. ‘organised’ is British English.
organised
their duties in a way that both parents can go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The doctor and nurse had
been chosen
as the happiest family by the TV program viewers.
Moreover
, I went to a seminar last year. It was about the successful family. One of the points was about cooperative works between parents in raising their children.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can set up a plan with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can perform their job and raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on growing up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
tasks.
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IELTS essay Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. with this statement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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