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Who is the most successful person you know?

Who is the most successful person you know? Ogxpy
I am a big fan of Disney Channel, I see it everyday. Absolutely, my idol is Walter Elias Disney who is the founder of Walt Disney Company and is respected for his contribution to the film production industry in the world. He underwent a wide range of failures. First of all, He and his co-worker working with in the Pesmen–Rubin Art Studio Company found the Iwerks-Disney Art company. Although the company had a number of initial works achieved the certain success, the company invested a lot of money to produce films and fell into debt, leading to the bankruptcy. Shortly, He made his own animated series which were called “Laugh-O-Grams”. The movie Laugh-O-Grams quickly spread throughout Kansas City, which brought a huge amount of money from this success. Apart from it, Disney bought a studio and he formed Laugh–O–Gram Company. Not long after, Laugh–O–Gram Company also went the bankruptcy. Returning to California, he did no give up and decided to continue his dream. The first sketch that he came up with was a clever, nimble mouse which looked like a caricature. On November 18, 1928, Mickey Mouse was performed in the first time in New York City to a resounding success. This performance brought a resounding success. After the success of Mickey Mouse, a series of other Disney cartoon characters also created the reputation for him such as Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse - Mickey's "girlfriend", Daisy duck and so on. After succeeding with the animation sphere, Disney entered the business field. He invested nearly 10 million USD to build the Disneyland theme park which was decorated by the company’s cartoon characters. After Disneyland, in the mid-1960s, Walt Disney continued erecting a larger project. That project was the Disney World with social purposes. Disney World was much larger than the Disneyland. It included theme parks, hotel complexes, airports and so on. Every year, millions of people visit Disneyland and Disney World theme parks. Up to now, Walt Disney has become a name that everyone must remember when they talk to their childhood.
I am a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
fan of Disney Channel, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
.
Absolutely
, my idol is Walter Elias Disney who is the founder of Walt Disney
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Company
and
is respected
for his contribution to the film production industry in the world.

He underwent a wide range of failures.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, He and his co-worker working with in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Pesmen
–Rubin Art Studio
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Company
found the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Iwerks-Disney
Art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
had a number of initial works achieved the certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
invested
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money to produce films and fell into debt, leading to the bankruptcy.

Shortly, He made his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
animated series which
were called
“Laugh-O-Grams”. The movie Laugh-O-Grams
quickly
spread throughout Kansas City, which brought a huge amount of money from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. Apart from it, Disney
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
studio and
he formed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Laugh–O–Gram
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Company
. Not long after,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Laugh–O–Gram
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Company
also
went the bankruptcy.

Returning to California, he did no give up and decided to continue his dream. The
first
sketch that he came up with was a clever, nimble mouse which looked like a caricature. On November 18, 1928, Mickey Mouse
was performed
in the
first
time in New York City to a resounding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. This performance brought a resounding success.

After the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
of Mickey Mouse, a series of other Disney cartoon characters
also
created the reputation for him such as Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
Mickey's
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
girlfriend
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Daisy duck
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

After succeeding with the animation sphere, Disney entered the business field. He invested
nearly
10 million USD to build the Disneyland theme park which
was decorated
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
cartoon characters.

After Disneyland, in the mid-1960s, Walt Disney continued erecting a larger project. That project was the Disney World with social purposes. Disney World was much larger than the Disneyland. It included theme parks, hotel complexes, airports and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Every year, millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
visit Disneyland and Disney World theme parks.

Up to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, Walt Disney has become a name that everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
remember when they talk to their childhood.
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IELTS essay Who is the most successful person you know?

Essay
  American English
8 paragraphs
341 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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