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Who is an important person in your country? Describe this person andexplain why he/she is important. v.2

Who is an important person in your country? Describe this person andexplain why he/she is important. v. 2
People's opinions differ as to the main determinants of  success. While some opine that hard work and being focused are the major determinants, others believe that  some other things such as family background and destiny also determine to some extent, how successful one can be. In my opinion,   hard work and determination are highly necessary for a successful life, however,   family background and destiny also play contributory roles. On the one hand, hard work and determination keep an individual focused. This means that someone that works really hard, and is also determined cannot be easily distracted with trivial issues. In addition, it also improves skills and efficiency. This is because much attention is given to the work, hence, tremendous result will be achieved.   For example, Cristiano Ronaldo,   a popular footballer is said to spend an average of 14 hours every day during his training sessions on the pitch. As a result, this display of diligence and drive has secured him an enviable position of one of the best footballers in the world. On the other hand, it is also argued that other factors also contribute to prosperity in life. One of such is the family background. In other words, the family one comes play a crucial role in his life. This is to say that someone from a wealthy background may likely succeed more than his counterpart from a poor upbringing.   This can be attributed to the major financial and educational foundation gotten from the parents. Furthermore,   destiny is also a major determinant of how successful one can be. It is believed that a person's major achievement is likely embedded in his fate. Consequently,   present actions may likely not interfere with future results. In conclusion,   despite people's varying views, I believe that hard work and  determination are the main elements of success. However, family background and one's fate are equally important.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's opinions differ as to the main determinants of
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success. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opine that
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hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
being focused
are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
determinants, others believe that
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This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
background
and destiny
also
determine to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, how successful one can be. In my opinion,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and determination are
highly
necessary for a successful life,
however
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
background
and destiny
also
play contributory roles.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and determination
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an individual focused. This means that someone that works
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
, and is
also
determined cannot be
easily
distracted with trivial issues.
In addition
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and efficiency. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
much attention is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
hence
, tremendous result will
be achieved
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
For example
, Cristiano Ronaldo,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
a popular footballer
is said
to spend an average of 14 hours every day during his training sessions on the pitch.
As a result
, this display of diligence and drive has secured him an enviable position of one of the best footballers in the world.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is
also
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors
also
contribute to prosperity in life. One of such is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
background
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
play a crucial role in his life. This is to say that someone from a wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
background
may likely succeed more than his counterpart from a poor upbringing.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This can
be attributed
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
financial and educational foundation gotten from the parents.
Furthermore
,
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destiny is
also
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
determinant of how successful one can be. It
is believed
that a person's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
achievement is likely embedded in his fate.
Consequently
,
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present actions may likely not interfere with future results.

In conclusion
,
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despite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's varying views, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
determination are the main elements of success.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
background
and one's fate are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Who is an important person in your country? Describe this person andexplain why he/she is important. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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