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Which way do you prefer to travell?

Which way do you prefer to travell? N85Dg
These days, more and more fresh graduates opt to travel abroad either to study or to live outside their home-towns. In this essay, I would examine some pros and cons of such a phenomenon to explain which is more associated with advantages and fewer disadvantages. First of all, It is readily apparent that the most prominent advantage is socio-economic ones. Seemingly, that a number of young graduates prefer to move abroad to the most developed countries to alleviate their financial and social statuses. They are tremendously keen to get high-paid jobs that could make their lives better and somehow they could fulfil their dreams to earn more money, posh house, brand-new car and high-rated education for their children. The second perspective advantage, some young graduates have had dreams of pursuing a career which might not be possible to achieve in their hometowns for many reasons, for example, inequality of opportunities, poor training schemes and corruption of politicians, as result to that, they desperately decided to live in other countries where they would be able to meet what they are dreaming for. From the perspective of drawbacks, it is possible to say that this phenomenon of brains drains could have a no-good impaction on countries where skilled employees left for more developed places around the world. In other words, it means depletion and scarcity of brains in poor countries which could affect numerous domains like healthcare, education, technology and economics. They would not be able to find good healthcare or good education for their children. one more pitfall, that we should not forget is that human relations could be drastically ruined when one of the parents has left for another country and the psychological impact on children, and, a number of interpersonal conflicts could happen. The bottom line, the benefits might be outweighed the drawbacks, on the contrary serious consequences should not be missed by our minds, our relationships with each other are more vital than any other thing.
These days, more and more fresh graduates opt to travel abroad either to study or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
outside their home-towns. In this essay, I would examine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pros and cons of such a phenomenon to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
which is more associated with advantages and fewer disadvantages.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, It is
readily
apparent that the most prominent advantage is
Possible spelling mistake found.
socio-economic
ones.
Seemingly
, that a number of young graduates prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
abroad to the most developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to alleviate their financial and social statuses. They are
tremendously
keen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high-paid jobs that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
better and somehow they could fulfil their dreams to earn more money, posh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, brand-new car and high-rated education for their children.

The second perspective advantage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young graduates have had dreams of pursuing a career which might not be possible to achieve in their hometowns for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons,
for example
, inequality of opportunities, poor training schemes and corruption of politicians, as result to that, they
desperately
decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where they would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
what they are dreaming for.

From the perspective of drawbacks, it is possible to say that this phenomenon of brains drains could have a no-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
impaction on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where skilled employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
for more developed places around the world. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, it means depletion and scarcity of brains in poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
which could affect numerous domains like healthcare, education, technology and economics. They would not be able to find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
healthcare or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education for their children.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
one
more pitfall, that we should not forget is that human relations could be
drastically
ruined when one of the parents has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
for another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and the psychological impact on children, and, a number of interpersonal conflicts could happen.

The bottom line, the benefits might
be outweighed
the drawbacks,
on the contrary
serious consequences should not
be missed
by our minds, our relationships with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
are more vital than any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
thing.
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IELTS essay Which way do you prefer to travell?

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
328 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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