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Which study method do you prefer, online courses or traditional classroom?

Which study method do you prefer, online courses or traditional classroom? K01P3
For me, I am willing to take online courses instead of being in a traditional classroom. First of all, if we study online, then we won't have to go to school, this is convenient, especially when it is raining or snowing outside. What is more, if we study online, the pressure of public traffic given by students will be lower, other citizens will spend less time on the road. Thus the city will be more efficient. Third, online courses won't be limit by teachers, which means teachers in other cities can teach us, and we can enjoy a high quality of education.
For me, I am willing to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
courses
instead
of being in a traditional classroom.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, if we study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, then we won't
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to school, this is convenient,
especially
when it is raining or snowing outside.
What is more
, if we study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, the pressure of public traffic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by students will be
Did you mean "lowed", "lowered"?
lower
, other citizens will spend less time on the road.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the city will be more efficient. Third,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
courses won't be
Consider using a past participle here: "limited".
limit
by teachers, which means teachers in other cities can teach us, and we can enjoy a high quality of education.
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Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Which study method do you prefer, online courses or traditional classroom?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
102 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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