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Where this sense of identity, patriotism and cohesion has been lost, for instance among indigenous of some countries of Africa, problems can follow: low self-esteem, lack of confidence and even rebellion.

Where this sense of identity, patriotism and cohesion has been lost, for instance among indigenous of some countries of Africa, problems can follow: low self-esteem, lack of confidence and even rebellion. OE9N3
In era of globalization, numerous language such as English, Spanish and Mandarin become languages chosen as a second language of countries. A school of thought hold that this could result in the disappearance of minority tongues. Therefore, government have to take action to preserve those. From my perspective, I completely concur with this notion and I will justify in the upcoming paragraph. To commence with, it is understandable why some wide-spoken languages would more dominant than others. For instance, in almost school in Vietnam, pupils are taught English as a subject in the syllabus. Vietnam now is such a developing country with multiple foreigners coming to visit and work. Therefore, getting awareness about English is seen as a good aide in surrounding. Moreover, being a bilingual gives an individual an advantages over others, especially in high job market. However, those would lead to disappear of minority tongue, when few people speaks this language. On the other hand, every languages could be vanished including English, . . . Nevertheless, tight-spoken languages are more hazard than those wide-spoken. There are a plethora of rationales why authorities ought to take step to protect the former. Firstly, with each country, its language have responsibility to their tradition, custom. Therefore, those would contribute to various human’s culture. Furthermore, having unique languages is a way to identify among people. Where this sense of identity, patriotism and cohesion has been lost, for instance among indigenous of some countries of Africa, problems can follow: low self-esteem, lack of confidence and even rebellion. In conclude, states should takes action to protect their language due to their merits with their country and human.
In era of globalization, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
such as English, Spanish and Mandarin become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
chosen as a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. A school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
hold that this could result in the disappearance of minority tongues.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take action to preserve those. From my perspective, I completely concur with this notion and I will justify in the upcoming paragraph.

To commence with, it is understandable why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
wide-spoken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
would more dominant than others.
For instance
, in almost school in Vietnam, pupils
are taught
English as a subject in the syllabus. Vietnam
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is such a developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
with multiple foreigners coming to visit and work.
Therefore
, getting awareness about English is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
aide in surrounding.
Moreover
, being a bilingual gives an individual an advantages over others,
especially
in high job market.
However
, those would lead to disappear of minority tongue, when few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
speaks
this language.

On the other hand
, every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "language"?
languages
could
be vanished
including English
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Nevertheless
, tight-spoken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
are more hazard than those wide-spoken. There are a plethora of rationales why authorities ought to take step to protect the former.
Firstly
, with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
have responsibility to their tradition, custom.
Therefore
, those would contribute to various human’s culture.
Furthermore
, having unique
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
is a way to identify among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Where this sense of identity, patriotism and cohesion has
been lost
,
for instance
among indigenous of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
of Africa, problems can follow: low self-esteem, lack of confidence and even rebellion.

In conclude, states should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "take"
takes
action to protect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
due to their merits with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and human.
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IELTS essay Where this sense of identity, patriotism and cohesion has been lost, for instance among indigenous of some countries of Africa, problems can follow: low self-esteem, lack of confidence and even rebellion.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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