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When there is a rise in the standard of living, people in the cities are more benefited than those in rural areas. Please give your opinion on the problems arising from this discrimination.

When there is a rise in the standard of living, people in the cities are more benefited than those in rural areas. Please give your opinion on the problems arising from this discrimination. n6WqR
It is indeed a fact that every nation is developing and the people are having more benefited. It is believed by some individuals that people in the urban field are more benefited than the rural areas. However, there were some issues occurring due to this discrimination. I agree with this argument and the following paragraph supports my opinion. Many public can be benefited due to the rise in the standard of living, but this might cause some problems between urban field and rural areas. First and foremost, one of them is an increase in population in cities. Similarly, this will result in lack of employment, which further leads them to crimes and assaults. For example, the passed of students every year from colleges in a city is approximately in lakhs and due to, unemployment they are involving in robberies. This was found in research conducted by Oxford University and they concluded that many of them were younger people. Secondly, the crowd are mostly migrated to urban areas and this has been causing trouble for cultivation. As the farmers are considered to be the backbone of a country, they are moving to cities for benefits and better livelihood. Therefore, this leads to starvation for future generations. In addition, vehicles there will be a rise in vehicles and damages the environment by causing global warming. To conclude, the population in cities and starvation for food will be serious issues for future generations. However, in my opinion, the government should consider developing rural space so that there will be no differences in the standard of living
It is
indeed
a fact that every nation is developing and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are having more benefited. It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the urban field are more benefited than the rural areas.
However
, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issues occurring due to this discrimination. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this argument and the following paragraph supports my opinion.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
public can
be benefited
due to the rise in the standard of living,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this might cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems between urban field and rural areas.
First
and foremost, one of them is an increase in population in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
Similarly
, this will result in lack of employment, which
further
leads them to crimes and assaults.
For example
,
The phrase 'the passed of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the passed of
students every year from colleges in a city is approximately in lakhs and due to, unemployment they
The verb 'involving' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are involving
in robberies. This
was found
in research conducted by Oxford
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
University and
they concluded that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them were younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Secondly
, the crowd are
mostly
migrated to urban areas and this has been causing trouble for cultivation. As the farmers
are considered
to be the backbone of a country, they are moving to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
for benefits and better livelihood.
Therefore
, this leads to starvation for future generations.
In addition
, vehicles there will be a rise in vehicles and damages the environment by causing global warming.

To conclude
, the population in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
and starvation for food will be serious issues for future generations.
However
, in my opinion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should consider developing rural space
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that there will be no differences in the standard of living
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IELTS essay When there is a rise in the standard of living, people in the cities are more benefited than those in rural areas. Please give your opinion on the problems arising from this discrimination.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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