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What is one change your hometown could make which would reduce its traffic congestion? Give examples and details in your response. v.1

What is one change your hometown could make which would reduce its traffic congestion? Give examples and details in your response. v. 1
In the recent years, technology has developed manifolds and is an essential part of everyone's life. TV and the internet are the necessity of the people in today's world and only few can imagine life without them. Now a day, People rely mostly on the technical devices to acquire knowledge about the world. Instead of visiting to other countries, people feel more comfortable to get the information through the internet or on TV channels. But, there are some people who think that it is always better to experience the world through their own eyes by visiting abroad. This essay delves upon both the views. On the one hand, People are in the favour to receive first hand data by visiting the places themselves instead of just watching any documentary on the screen. There are several advantages of travelling to abroad. Firstly, people get the opportunity to interact socially with people of other nations, which further enhance our knowledge about their cultures and traditions. Secondly, experiencing the globe in real is more appealing than watching somebody else on the screen. Lastly, people tend to make better connections with the people living abroad, which further leads to harmony and peace among the nations. For instance, the prime minister of India, Narender Modi, who believes that international relations are of vital importance, also travel to different countries. On the other hand, some people think that it is not imperative to spend money on travelling to other countries, when an adequate amount of info is available on the websites. In addition to money, time can also be saved by using the internet. Moreover, people can also alleviate the wastage of natural resources, which can further improve the environment. For example, travelling by bus, train or any other means of transportation increases air pollution. This may add up to global warming. In my opinion, interacting with people with eye contact and getting the material from the right sources is very essential for everyone. Sometimes, the word on the websites is also not authentic. Moreover, watching the videos on TV or Phones is perilous for eyes and brains of human beings.
In the recent years, technology has developed manifolds and is an essential part of everyone's life. TV and the internet are the necessity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few can imagine life without them.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
a day,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
rely
mostly
on the technical devices to acquire knowledge about the world.
Instead
of visiting to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel more comfortable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the information through the internet or on TV channels.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is always better to experience the world through their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
eyes by visiting abroad. This essay delves upon both the views.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
to receive
'first hand' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "first-hand".
first hand
data by visiting the places themselves
instead
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
watching any documentary on the screen. There are several advantages of travelling to abroad.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the opportunity to interact
socially
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nations, which
further
enhance our knowledge about their cultures and traditions.
Secondly
, experiencing the globe in real is more appealing than watching somebody else on the screen.
Lastly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better connections with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living abroad, which
further
leads to harmony and peace among the nations.
For instance
, the prime minister of India,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Narender
Possible spelling mistake found.
Modi
, who believes that international relations are of vital importance,
also
travel to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is not imperative to spend money on travelling to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries, when an adequate amount of info is available on the websites.
In addition
to money, time can
also
be saved
by using the internet.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
also
alleviate the wastage of natural resources, which can
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the environment.
For example
, travelling by bus, train or any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
means of transportation increases air pollution. This may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
up to global warming.

In my opinion, interacting with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with eye contact and getting the material from the right sources is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential for everyone.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, the word on the websites is
also
not authentic.
Moreover
, watching the videos on TV or Phones is perilous for eyes and brains of human beings.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay What is one change your hometown could make which would reduce its traffic congestion? Give examples and details in your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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