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What activities have you been involved in that have helped you or others overcome barriers while pursuing an interest in STEM learning?

What activities have you been involved in that have helped you or others overcome barriers while pursuing an interest in STEM learning? xm8n1
My Grandfather and my uncle were engineers. So, in a sense, I was inspired to become an engineer from my childhood. I never seriously thought of pursuing any other career and I have participated in many science competitions in my school which helped me to develop more interest in science and technology. Moreover, I am very interested in creating new things probably new inventions with existing things in my surroundings. As the years passed this interest shifted to the field of robotics and coding robots. Coding and Robotics enabled me to learn Scratch Programming, which is specifically designed for young students learning. I used to develop some basic games from different websites which boosted my confidence levels, but also induce interest in STEM subjects. Apart from that, Educational Tours to Science Exhibition made me curious by nature, tours to museums/exhibitions have motivated me to pursue STEM subjects. Learn new things from different science books and working on projects undoubtedly made me pursue an interest in STEM learning.
My Grandfather and my uncle were engineers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, in a sense, I
was inspired
to become an engineer from my childhood. I never
seriously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of pursuing any other career and I have participated in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
competitions in my school which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me to develop more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and technology.
Moreover
, I am
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interested in creating new things
probably
new inventions with existing things in my surroundings. As the years passed this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
shifted to the field of robotics and coding robots. Coding and Robotics enabled me to learn Scratch Programming, which is
specifically
designed for young students learning. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic games from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
websites which boosted my confidence levels,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
induce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in STEM subjects.

Apart from that, Educational Tours to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
Exhibition made me curious by nature, tours to museums/exhibitions have motivated me to pursue STEM subjects. Learn new things from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
books and working on projects
undoubtedly
made me pursue an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in STEM learning.
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IELTS essay What activities have you been involved in that have helped you or others overcome barriers while pursuing an interest in STEM learning?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
167 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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