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We can see more distress and violence shows on T.V. What are its cause and what effects will they exert on the individual and the society?

Since the invention of television many programs were created in order to entertain people from their stressful life. However, this global race for being superior in very sector tele-communication industries has started the trend of violence and distress telly box programs. I believe, due to the increasing television rating points and small screen fame people are wasting their valuable time and money and encouraging illegal activities. There are number of causes for increasing this demands. Firstly, Television drama production industries are profit making companies. Hiking the particular shows television rating points as known as TRP will eventually increase their profit. To do so they violate all the regulation and include scenes which would be unbearable to witness to achieve their pocket filling goals. Secondly, increasing TRP will aid that particular show to gain popularity among people add cliffhanger which excite the audience more which help production house to continue their journey. For example, the popular Television show by HBO The game of thrones was based on Novel which promoted cliffhangers at the end of season finale which rose up the TRP and fame of the show. On the other hand, effects are worse than causes. To begin with, People are likely to attends highly expensive convention promotion function organized my producers to elevate shows fame and waste their paramount time. Moreover, different ideas used in violent shows encourage criminals to execute the crime in numerous unspeakable ways. In conclusion, to control this mad bull race government should imply strict action by imposing age restriction on some shows or censoring offending dialogues in order to protect the future individuals in society.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
the invention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
programs
were created
in order to entertain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from their stressful life.
However
, this global race for being superior in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
sector
Possible spelling mistake found.
tele-communication
industries has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
the trend of violence and distress
telly
box programs. I believe, due to the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
rating points and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
screen fame
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are wasting their valuable time and money and encouraging illegal activities.

There are
It seems that an article is missing. Did you mean “a number of”?
number of
causes for increasing
Did you mean “these”?
this
demands.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
drama production industries are profit making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. Hiking the particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
rating points as known as TRP will
eventually
increase their profit. To do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they violate all the regulation and include scenes which would be unbearable to witness to achieve their pocket filling goals.
Secondly
, increasing TRP will aid that particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
to gain popularity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
cliffhanger which excite the audience more which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
production
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
to continue their journey.
For example
, the popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
by HBO The
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
game of thrones
was based
on Novel which promoted cliffhangers at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of season finale which rose up the TRP and fame of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
.

On the other hand
, effects are worse than causes. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are likely to attends
highly
expensive convention promotion function organized my producers to elevate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
fame and waste their paramount time.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
encourage criminals to execute the crime in numerous unspeakable ways.

In conclusion
, to control this mad bull race
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should imply strict action by imposing age restriction on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
or censoring offending dialogues in order to protect the future individuals in society.
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IELTS essay We can see more distress and violence shows on T. V. What are its cause and what effects will they exert on the individual and the society?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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