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Use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking, smoking is banned in certain places and so mobile phones should also be banned. Do you agree or disagree

Use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking, smoking is banned in certain places and so mobile phones should also be banned. LJj3
In our modern globalisation without technology we are handicapped. In our day to day life the usage of mobile phone is drastically increase, due to certain area mobile phone is inappropriate to use. As per my perspective the usage of technology must be banned in certain areas as antisocial as smoking. First and foremost reason, that without technology we are unable to do such kinds of activity, but people get to be aware about this reason. How the excessive use of mobile phones can detrimental to their life same as compared to smoking, this indicates that using smartphones is harmful for the human life as well as nature. For example phones can emit some amount of radiation, due to that reason there must be chance to get the brain tumor and hearing loss. Moreover, in some area smoking must be prohibited same as we also want to ban the usage of mobile phones to take precautions about the road safety. For instance it is inappropriate while the person drive vehicle, due to that reason human dies in accident in each an every minute all over the world. In addition, in certain area we want to ban the mobile phones as compared to smoking because it make disturbance in the certain area. For example in hospital due to usage of phones can disturb the patients. On the other side, usage of mobile phones is mandatory due to several reasons behind them are when there is an emergency we can call the emergency services to help and control the situation that the fire takes place or the accident that occurs on the highway. Moreover, the usage of mobile phones and technology is needed because it helps to communicate the people and it is convenient to talk with those people who live overseas. On the points mentioned above, usage of mobile phones is as harmful as smoking, because such kinds of radiation as well as road safety is impractical for them.
In our modern
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
without
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technology
we
are handicapped
. In our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
life the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of mobile
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phone
is
drastically
increase,
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due
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is inappropriate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
per my perspective the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be banned
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
as antisocial as smoking.

First
and foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
, that without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
we are unable to do such kinds of activity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to be aware about this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
. How the excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can detrimental to their life same as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
, this indicates that using smartphones is harmful for the human life
as well
as nature.
For example
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can emit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amount of radiation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the brain tumor and hearing loss.
Moreover
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be prohibited
same as we
also
want to ban the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to take precautions about the road safety. For
The comma is probably missing here: "instance, it".
instance it
is inappropriate while the person drive vehicle,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dies
in accident in each an every minute all over the world.
In addition
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
we want to ban the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
Did you mean "makes"?
make
disturbance in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
.
For example
in hospital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can disturb the patients.

On the other side,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
is mandatory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
behind them are when there is an emergency we can call the emergency services to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and control the situation that the fire takes place or the accident that occurs on the highway.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is needed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to communicate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and it is convenient to talk with those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
overseas.

On the points mentioned above,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
is as harmful as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such kinds of radiation
as well
as road safety is impractical for them.
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IELTS essay Use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking, smoking is banned in certain places and so mobile phones should also be banned.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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