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try hard to get based on some cultures belief

try hard to get based on some cultures belief E7r3Q
Children are mostly told about hardworking to success, based on some cultures’ belief. The idea of trying hard to get, comes with some pros and cons which this essay will discuss. On the one hand, this view is beneficial to children. Children often have lots of dreams in their minds all of which is possible. When adults encourage them to fight for their dreams, it will result in hardworking of whom pursue his/her goals to present the best version of him/ herself for being strong and stay positive to success. They figure out nothing comes without efforts which interpret what comes around goes around. Furthermore, individuality will result in one’s adulthood. Youth these days are mostly attached to their parents’, especially their father’s assets. To illustrate, they would like to have expensive cars and homes without willingness to try for it, which is raising as a social crisis where I live. A child whose mindset is trying hard for achievement will less likely to count on his parent’s properties and this Independent person rely on his/ her qualifications only, which is about concentrate on his/ her potentials to the afford the cars, homes or any other facilities wish to have. On the other hand, the idea of hardworking to achieve has some drawbacks for children. First of all, they suppose trying hard is the only key to get anything they wish to, while, in some cases over doing respect less to the talent and interest will result in wasting time and energy with no achievement. So, finding the interests is the former phase of any effort which could be disrupted among them. Secondly, lack of concentration may happened following to the diversity of purposes which may come in mind upon this opinion. For instance, a kid who is picking up a new language seeks to learn another in the same time regarding the idea of trying hard to learn both but in reality, you need to focus deeply on one subject only, if you desire to acquire a comprehensive understanding of it. In conclusion, the idea of trying hard to achieve whatever you want, could have some advantages such as a fighting for dreams and independency in adulthood and some demerits like disrespecting to interests and talents along with lack of concentration. I believe parents should help their kids to find their potency and trying hard to develop it for being the best.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are
mostly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
about hardworking to success, based on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cultures’ belief. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
comes
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pros and cons which this essay will discuss.

On the one hand, this view is beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have lots of dreams in their minds all of which is possible. When adults encourage them to fight for their dreams, it will result in hardworking of whom pursue his/her goals to present the best version of him/ herself for being strong and stay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
to success. They figure out nothing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
comes
without efforts which interpret what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
comes
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
around goes around
.
Furthermore
, individuality will result in one’s adulthood. Youth these days are
mostly
attached to their parents’,
especially
their father’s assets. To illustrate, they would like to have expensive cars and homes without willingness to try for it, which is raising as a social crisis where I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. A child whose mindset is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
for achievement will less likely to count on his parent’s properties and this Independent person rely on his/ her qualifications
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, which is about concentrate on his/ her potentials to
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'afford' is correct. If 'afford' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the afford
the cars, homes or any other facilities wish to have.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
of hardworking to achieve has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, they suppose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
key to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
anything they wish to, while, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases over doing respect less to the talent and interest will result in wasting time and energy with no achievement.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, finding the interests is the former phase of any effort which could
be disrupted
among them.
Secondly
, lack of concentration may happened following to the diversity of purposes which may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
come
in mind upon this opinion.
For instance
, a kid who is picking up a new language seeks to learn another in the same time regarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to learn both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in reality, you need to focus
deeply
on one subject
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, if you desire to acquire a comprehensive understanding of it.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to achieve whatever you want, could have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages such as a fighting for dreams and
Possible spelling mistake found.
independency
in adulthood and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits like disrespecting to interests and talents along with lack of concentration. I believe parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their kids to find their potency and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to develop it for being the best.
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IELTS essay try hard to get based on some cultures belief

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
403 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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