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Traditional is killed by technology?

Traditional is killed by technology? DoA1k
Whether technology has ruined gradually tradition sparks a heated debate. Several clings to that technology replace tradition while others hold onto that the development of technology exerts positive impacts on traditional activities. I party advocate the statement on the following grounds. Considering firstly, the technology might dominate soft of tradition activities, in terms of emotion, people of the past wrote letters to each other to illustrate love when being thousands of miles away from each other. Meanwhile, in modern times, instead of hand-writing, we send emails or massagers and receive replies within seconds. Furthermore, when it comes to business, merchants walked thousands of miles and traveled with camels on deserts in order to deliver goods. The old Chinese silk transporting road is a case in point. Nevertheless, at present, the traditional way has been replaced by the route of airplanes and bullet trains. As a result, people save time effort, and money for consumers while businessmen could earn much greater by selling to customers from all walks of life. On the other hand, the main advantages of technology are that it has made significant breakthroughs in terms of business and medicine. With regard to the former, traditional culture and knowledge put on the map, by dint of the support of computers. Not only do people of the same country access such precious knowledge and information, but those around the world could also learn this via the internet. Take me as a telling example. Due to using social networks and the internet, I master the recipe to make sushi, my favorite traditional Japanese food even though I am Vietnamese. As for the latter, herbal medicine is mass-produced and made easier to access patients by virtue of high technology. Pills are beautified and streamlined to serve patients. Knowledge about oriental and western medicine is computerized and well-stored for reference. In conclusion, I think that the backward culture was substituted digital tools of information exchange and modern vehicles that come with the development of technology in distance learning and convenient medical
“Whether” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has ruined
gradually
tradition sparks a heated debate. Several clings to that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
replace tradition while others hold onto that the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
exerts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
activities. I party advocate the statement on the following grounds.

Considering
firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
might dominate soft of tradition activities, in terms of emotion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of the past wrote letters to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
to illustrate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
when being thousands of miles away from each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. Meanwhile, in modern times,
instead
of hand-writing, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
emails or massagers and receive replies within seconds.
Furthermore
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to business, merchants walked thousands of miles and traveled with camels on deserts in order to deliver
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
Chinese silk transporting road is a case in point.
Nevertheless
, at present, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
way has
been replaced
by the route of airplanes and bullet trains.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
save time effort, and money for consumers while businessmen could earn much greater by selling to customers from all walks of life.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the main advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are that it has made significant breakthroughs in terms of business and medicine. With regard to the former,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
culture and knowledge put on the map, by dint of the support of computers. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of the same country access such precious knowledge and information,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
those around the world could
also
learn this via the internet. Take me as a telling example. Due to using social networks and the internet, I master the recipe to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sushi, my favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
Japanese food
even though
I am Vietnamese. As for the latter, herbal medicine is mass-produced and made easier to access patients by virtue of high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. Pills
are beautified
and streamlined to serve patients. Knowledge about oriental and western medicine
is computerized
and well-stored for reference.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the backward culture
was substituted
digital tools of information exchange and modern vehicles that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in distance learning and convenient medical
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IELTS essay Traditional is killed by technology?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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