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Today's schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. You v.8

Today's schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. with this statement? You v. 8
The famous celebrities coming from simple and ordinary backgrounds are getting media attention off late and hence, gaining popularity. However, in my opinion, it’s a good thing mainly for two reasons. First of all, because of the mass and second of all, for the media’s own benefits. Firstly, the large audience who dreams of living their idol’s lifestyle is an important factor for the media to cover the famous celebrities. The mass loves all kinds of glitz and glamour that goes around the lives of the famous and successful people. For instance, if any actress like Priyanka Chopra Jonas or Julia Roberts wears a beautiful shimmery designer outfit or a pair of shoes by Jimmy Choo, the fans immediately want to pick up the trend and try to follow these actresses. People start looking here, there and everywhere to find such stuff, even if it’s a copied version. They get confidence by watching and following these idol’s as they think that if these celebrities can make it so big coming from an ordinary background and transform their life completely, then why can’t they do so. As a result, these stars get more and more media attention. Secondly, as the media covers the lives of the celebrities and click pictures wherever they go, these stars are constantly followed by their fans on different social media. For example, when the celebrities are travelling somewhere, their pictures are clicked at the airport, in restaurants, some launch events in a mall, etc due to which the media channels are also getting famous for maximum coverage. In addition to this, they get more number of advertisements which is eventually beneficial for a channel to run successfully. Media personnel put all their efforts to get the work done. All in all, I don’t find any harm in the rise of media’s attention towards famous and successful people. In fact, I consider it to be a good way to benefit everyone, be it stars, the audience or the media itself.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
coming from simple and ordinary backgrounds are getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
attention off late and
hence
, gaining popularity.
However
, in my opinion, it’s a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing
mainly
for two reasons.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the mass and second of all, for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits.

Firstly
, the large audience who dreams of living their idol’s lifestyle is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
to cover the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. The mass
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
all kinds of glitz and glamour that goes around the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
and successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
, if any actress like Priyanka Chopra Jonas or Julia Roberts wears a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
shimmery designer outfit or a pair of shoes by Jimmy
Possible spelling mistake found.
Choo
, the fans immediately want to pick up the trend and try to follow these actresses.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
looking here, there and everywhere to find such stuff, even if it’s a copied version. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
confidence by watching and following
Did you mean "this idol" or "these idols"?
these idol
’s as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
coming from an ordinary background and transform their life completely, then why can’t they do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
As a result
, these stars
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
attention.

Secondly
, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
covers the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and click pictures wherever they go, these stars are
constantly
followed by their fans on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
For example
, when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are travelling somewhere, their pictures
are clicked
at the airport, in restaurants,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
launch
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in a mall, etc due to which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
channels are
also
getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
for maximum coverage.
In addition
to this, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more number of advertisements which is
eventually
beneficial for a channel to run
successfully
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
personnel put all their efforts to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the work done.

All in all, I don’t find any harm in the rise of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media’s
attention towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
and successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. In fact, I consider it to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to benefit everyone, be it stars, the audience or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
itself.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Today's schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. with this statement? You v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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