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Today, more and more people choose to be self-employed. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages?

Today, more and more people choose to be self-employed. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages? L2OV
Today, most of people are liable to work for themselves. This tendency provide people with one benefit; however, I think that there are more drawbacks than advantage. Admittedly, being self-employed gives people freedom, meaning that they do not work under any manager’s pressure. By doing like this, they are more satisfied, since they start to create their own ideas and make decisions independently. If these decisions, which are belong to work, are successful, they are content and their confidences rise. As a consequence, they evolve their work with this confidence and can increase capital. However, in my opinion, there are two main negative sides about this topic. First and foremost, this work has some risks. The most risk is related to finance, because people, who choose being self-employed, they can lose all of their money in case their created work fail. While this can make those people gain profit, this work can never guarantee like any steady job. Therefore, this employment results in being oh people’s bankrupt. Secondly, This job leads to some healthy problems on people, who have their own work. Particularly, this can cause diseases related to brain, because this work requires more effort and working hard. Definitely, so much effort increase their stress and stress is the main reason of all diseases. Thus, they immune system can fall down and their work capabilities decrease sharply. In conclusion, Although being self-employed gives independent to people, there are several drawbacks which can cause vest problems on people.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are liable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for themselves.
The verb 'provide' is plural. Did you mean: "This tendency provides"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This tendency provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with one benefit;
however
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are more drawbacks than advantage.

Admittedly
, being self-employed gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
freedom, meaning that they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
under any manager’s pressure. By doing like this, they are more satisfied, since they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to create their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions
independently
. If these decisions, which are
Consider using a past participle here: "belonged".
belong
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, are successful, they are content and their confidences rise. As a consequence, they evolve their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with this confidence and can increase capital.

However
, in my opinion, there are two main
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
sides about this topic.
First
and foremost, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
. The most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
is related
to finance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who choose being self-employed, they can lose all of their money in case their created
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
fail. While this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain profit, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can never guarantee like any steady job.
Therefore
, this employment results in being oh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
bankrupt.
Secondly
, This job leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
healthy problems on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Particularly
, this can cause diseases related to brain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
requires more effort and working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
. Definitely,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much effort increase their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
is the main reason of all diseases.
Thus
, they immune system can fall down and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
capabilities decrease
sharply
.

In conclusion
, Although being self-employed gives independent to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, there are several drawbacks which can cause vest problems on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
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IELTS essay Today, more and more people choose to be self-employed. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
248 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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