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Today many people spend less and less time in their homes. What are the reasons and what are the effects of this trend on individuals and society?

Today many people spend less and less time in their homes. What are the reasons and what are the effects of this trend on individuals and society? BJRwm
The urbanization effects [affects]no only the society but also on citizens. One of the significant change is that a decreasing amount of space is occupied by family events and activities in recent decades. Instead, people tend to consume their moments on socialization and working recently. First of all, it is true that there are increasing categories of social activities for citizens nowadays, such as karaoke, board games, snowboarding and going to the cinema, and most of these activities are generally affordable to most of the persons. This leads to plenty of people hang out with friends or families during their spare moment instead of staying at home, as it is obviously more attractive to spend more hours on those social activities. Furthermore, the relatively high pressure on working is another reason why people have to work extra hours nowadays and not be able to spare hours for homes. This phenomenon is mainly caused by the high competition in job markets globally, most of the employees are responsible for overload tasks which are not able to complete at working hours. For instance, it becomes a common situation that some staff are currently working under a “nine to nine” work period. Hence, those employees are obviously short of time to spend in their homes. For the consequences of staying fewer moments at home, I believe that it is both harmful and beneficial for individuals, but it might be more advantageous to society. In terms of individuals, compared to the past when there were a few of [ a few]entertaining facilities, it is undeniable that the latest entertainments dramatically enrich our life. On the other hand, the situation might result in the [a]shortage of communication between families. In terms of society, I think that because there are more consumptions on [in]service industries, the economy is promoted. Additionally, the job markets are generally more energetic as people working longer than before. In conclusion, in my opinion, the abundant leisure activities and the high workload cause people to stay at home relatively short, and this phenomenon may affect both personal life and the whole communities.
The urbanization effects [affects]no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
on citizens. One of the significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is that a decreasing amount of space
is occupied
by family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in recent decades.
Instead
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to consume their moments on socialization and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
recently.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is true that there are increasing categories of social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for citizens nowadays, such as karaoke, board games, snowboarding and going to the cinema, and most of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are
generally
affordable to most of the persons. This leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hang out with friends or families during their spare moment
instead
of staying at home, as it is
obviously
more attractive to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
on those social activities.

Furthermore
, the
relatively
high pressure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is another reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
nowadays and not be able to spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
. This phenomenon is
mainly
caused by the high competition in job markets globally, most of the employees are responsible for overload tasks which are not able to complete at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
.
For instance
, it becomes a common situation that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "staffs", "staves"?
staff
are
currently
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
under a “nine to nine” work period.
Hence
, those employees are
obviously
short of time to spend in their homes.

For the consequences of staying fewer moments at home, I believe that it is both harmful and beneficial for individuals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it might be more advantageous to society. In terms of individuals, compared to the past when there were a few of
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
[
a few]entertaining facilities, it is undeniable that the latest entertainments
dramatically
enrich our life.
On the other hand
, the situation might result in the [a]shortage of communication between families. In terms of society, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are more
Possible spelling mistake found.
consumptions on
[in]service industries, the economy
is promoted
.
Additionally
, the job markets are
generally
more energetic as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
longer than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

In conclusion
, in my opinion, the abundant leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and the high workload cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to stay at home
relatively
short, and this phenomenon may affect both personal life and the whole communities.
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IELTS essay Today many people spend less and less time in their homes. What are the reasons and what are the effects of this trend on individuals and society?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
350 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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