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to what extent do yo agree of disagree?

Owing to the diverse problems caused by overweighting and consequent frequent demand for the health care services, there is an increasing pressure on the health care system to provide ideal services for the obese people. In the view of some people, considering more physical activities in the schools educational program is one the best ways to counter this problem. I beilieve it is surely an effective solution to deal with the mentioned problem. Firstly, it has been scientifically proven that leisure and sport or generally any kind of physical activity is strongly correlated with well being of one. In fact, a plethora of research has been conducted to delegate the effect of physical activities on cardiovascular health. As an other example, a group of Iranian scientists showed contributing in group sports dramatically lowers the risk of metabolic disease such as Diabetes by lowering the weight. So it is clear that including sports and physical hobbies would be vital in preventing numerous diseases and disorders, specially for today's stationary lifestyles of school children. Furthermore, one the most effective ways to encourage young students to participate more in physical activities is schools' physical education courses. School's atmosphere and facilities are commonly a very well site for a handful of sports. In addition, children personalities are developing in schools and including physical activities would make them more familiar and more obsessed with sports in the future. As conclusion, including additional physical ventures in schools crriculum will deprive children of getting obese by shaping their attitude to sport positively and also booting up thier overall health. However, Eventhough including extra leisure in schools' programs would be necessary, but it is not sufficient and extracrricular activities also should be considered.
Owing to the diverse problems caused by
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweighting
and consequent frequent demand for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care services, there is an increasing pressure on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care system to provide ideal services for the obese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. In the view of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, considering more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
educational program is
Did you mean “one of”?
one
the best ways to counter this problem. I
Possible spelling mistake found.
beilieve
it is
surely
an effective solution to deal with the mentioned problem.

Firstly
, it has been
scientifically
proven that leisure and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
or
generally
any kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is
strongly
correlated with
This word is normally spelled with a hyphen.
well being
of one. In fact, a plethora of research has
been conducted
to delegate the effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
on cardiovascular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. As
This word is normally spelled as one.
an other
example, a group of Iranian scientists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
contributing in group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
dramatically
lowers the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of metabolic disease such as Diabetes by lowering the weight.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
hobbies would be vital in preventing numerous diseases and disorders,
specially
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's stationary lifestyles of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children.

Furthermore
, one the most effective ways to encourage young students to participate more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is schools'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education courses. School's atmosphere and facilities are
commonly
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well site for a handful of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
In addition
, children personalities are developing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more familiar and more obsessed with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in the future.

As conclusion, including additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
ventures in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
Possible spelling mistake found.
crriculum
will deprive children of getting obese by shaping their attitude to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
positively
and
also
booting up
Possible spelling mistake found.
thier
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
However
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Eventhough
including extra leisure in schools' programs would be necessary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not sufficient and
Possible spelling mistake found.
extracrricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
also
should
be considered
.
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IELTS essay to what extent do yo agree of disagree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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