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To prepare for the future countries should invest resources in young generation. Agree/disagree?

To prepare for the future countries should invest resources in young generation. Agree/disagree? 73o2X
Nowadays it is very important for government to support all categories of citizens to help country’s development. I suppose only countries with well-organized social politics can be quite successful in the modern world. However, thinking about the future, it is necessary to take care about youth, especially to support them financially. First of all, I think it has the same logic with quite popular modern statement about the fact that investments in person’s development is the best. Imagining any country as a person, young generation is its main part of development because youth’s life will be quite long to do something useful and even significant for their country. So, to my mind, the main area of government’s investment should be youth’s education in different qualifications, as intellectual so physical. Also I am sure it is critically important to create suitable conditions of life to motivate young generation stay in its motherland. In my country there is quite a big problem of migration of young intellectual elite just because of low salary that young specialists can get in their professional area. And the same reasons make some people working in government structures as, for instance, education and science change their job and choose private companies with higher level of salaries. Of course, an ideal picture of country seems me like a place when all categories of citizens are equally-supported by government but talking about investment of resources, it is quite logically to develop social goods for young generation, such as high level of education and suitable salaries.
Nowadays it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to support all categories of citizens to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
development. I suppose
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with well-organized social politics can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quite
successful in the modern world.
However
, thinking about the future, it is necessary to take care about youth,
especially
to support them
financially
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it has the same logic with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quite
popular modern statement about the fact that investments in person’s development is the best. Imagining any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
as a person,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation is its main part of development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
youth’s life will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quite
long to do something useful and even significant for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, to my mind, the main area of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’s
investment should be youth’s education in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
qualifications, as intellectual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
physical.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
I am sure it is
critically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to create suitable conditions of life to motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation stay in its motherland. In my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
there is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quite
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
problem of migration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
intellectual elite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of low salary that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
specialists can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in their professional area. And the same reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
structures as,
for instance
, education and science
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their job and choose private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
with higher level of salaries.

Of course
, an ideal picture of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
seems me like a place when all categories of citizens are
equally
-supported by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
talking about investment of resources, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quite
logically
to develop social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation, such as high level of education and suitable salaries.
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IELTS essay To prepare for the future countries should invest resources in young generation. Agree/disagree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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