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The young today spent a large amount of their leisure time in shopping center ,it os feared that this could have negative influence on the young and society .To what extend do you agree or disagree

The young today spent a large amount of their leisure time in shopping center, it os feared that this could have negative influence on the young and society. BxwX
Truly, time play the relevant role in human every aspect of human life. Todays generation adult spend a huge part of their convince time on market, which can brought some drawbacks on young and community. I partially agree with this comment and following reasons are provided below to support my aggreement. To begin with, they can get the information about all kinds of products when they spent their leisure time on shopping centers. Eventhough, young can smoothly identify those goods production area. Nowadays plenty of adult purchase the product which is completely useful In addition, less expensive to compare with other goods as a result that, they spent leisure hour on shopping complex. One example is last week when i hanve visited the markets, I found that ample youngs had been purchasing a branded and chiper product which help them to save their money as well as very useful for future. Therefore, if they spent time on market, they will surely get knowledge about goods. On the other hand, many of adult lost their creativity when they stay too much on market. Furthermore, they could be addcited of drinks and drugs as the result that, they copied other. Although, they become less attract on the local goods because they wants to use branded product. As expected, the value of community production will be decreased for instance, nowadays sale of handycraft is totally slump down because all the young wants to use product which are find in supper markets. To sum up, spending too much time on supper market is completely harmful for young as well as society.
Truly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
play the relevant role in human every aspect of human life.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Todays
generation adult spend a huge part of their convince
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
, which can brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and community. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this comment and following reasons
are provided
below to support my
Possible spelling mistake found.
aggreement
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the information about all kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
when they spent their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on shopping centers.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Eventhough
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
can
smoothly
identify those
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "goods'" or "good's"?
goods
production area. Nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of adult
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
which is completely useful
In addition
, less expensive to compare with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
as a result
that, they spent leisure hour on shopping complex. One example is last week when i
Possible spelling mistake found.
hanve
visited the markets, I found that ample
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "young", the plural form of the noun 'young'?
youngs had
been purchasing a branded and
Possible spelling mistake found.
chiper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to save their money
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful for future.
Therefore
, if they spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
, they will
surely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
knowledge about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of adult lost their creativity when they stay too much on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
.
Furthermore
, they could be
Possible spelling mistake found.
addcited
of drinks and drugs as the result that, they copied other. Although, they become less attract on the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "want"
wants
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
branded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
, the value of community production will
be decreased
for instance
, nowadays sale of
Possible spelling mistake found.
handycraft
is
totally
Consider using a past participle here: "slumped".
slump
down
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
which are find in supper markets.

To sum up, spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on supper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
is completely harmful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
as well
as society.
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IELTS essay The young today spent a large amount of their leisure time in shopping center, it os feared that this could have negative influence on the young and society.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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