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The world’s most urgent problem is caused by over-population. Do you agree or disagree?

It is argued by some countries in the world facing with one of the most serious problem, which is massive increase in world’s population. While this issue is widely considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is corruption. To commence with, there are variety of reasons why the dramatic growth of population in the world brings a harmful effect on the quality of human’s life and global budget as well. Firstly, over-population phenomenon has resulted in the lack of accommodation for a large number of people, especially with those living in crowded and metropolitan areas. This reason because the small number of available housing are not able to meet the demand for the need of living facility. As a result, if people do not have any shelter, they mostly will build an illegal house on the prohibited sectors such as riverbank on the top of the hill which are dangerous for them. Furthermore, the unemployment rate would be likely to higher because of joblessness that profoundly affected on not only world’s economy which makes it go down but also social issues, in particularly is the rising of violent criminal in the community. However, corruption, instead of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. The term “corruption” has always been considered under conspiracies. Corruption in India is an issue that adversely affects its economy of central, state and local government agencies. There are abundant reasons for the cause of corruption in India. The primary reasons being lack of effective management in organisation. Due to mismanagement, there is a weak control on various departments and their working. There is a high risk of corruption in India while dealing with India’s judiciary, particularly in lower court levels put the common man in great stress. To conclude, the recent rise of world population is the reason for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation, despite human overpopulation and its negative effects, what should be addressed first and foremost is corruption.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
facing with one of the most serious
Please check whether a plural form of 'problem' should be used.
problem
, which is massive increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
population. While this issue is
widely
considered as one of the most serious problems, in my opinion, the greatest threat to humanity in the 21st century is corruption.

To commence with, there are variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why the dramatic growth of population in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
brings a harmful effect on the quality of human’s life and global budget
as well
.
Firstly
, over-population phenomenon has resulted in the lack of accommodation for
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
with those living in crowded and metropolitan areas. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
number of available housing are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the demand for the need of living facility.
As a result
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not have any shelter, they
mostly
will build an illegal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
on the prohibited sectors such as riverbank on the top of the hill which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for them.
Furthermore
, the unemployment rate would be likely to higher
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of joblessness that
profoundly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
on not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
economy which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it go down
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
social issues, in
particularly
is the rising of violent criminal in the community.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
corruption
,
instead
of overpopulation, is the biggest global challenge nowadays. The term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
“corruption”
has always
been considered
under conspiracies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Corruption
in India is an issue that
adversely
affects its economy of central, state and local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
agencies. There are abundant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for the cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
corruption
in India. The primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
being lack of effective management in
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
. Due to mismanagement, there is a weak control on various departments and their working. There is a high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
corruption
in India while dealing with India’s judiciary,
particularly
in lower court levels put the common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

To conclude
, the recent rise of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
population is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for overconsumption, which results in resource depletion and environmental degradation, despite human overpopulation and its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects, what should
be addressed
first
and foremost is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
corruption
.
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IELTS essay The world’s most urgent problem is caused by over-population.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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