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The two pie charts given compares the proportion of people who commuted to the university by five different means of transport over the course of 5 years from 2004 to 2009. v.1

The two pie charts given compares the proportion of people who commuted to the university by five different means of transport over the course of 5 years from 2004 to 2009. v. 1
Whether boys and girls should attend separate schools is a controversial issue. Some people believe that it brings many benefits. However, others believe that it is not good for the future of our children. I agree with those people who think that children should attend the same schools. In the following paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support my opinion. First of all, children from the very beginning should learn how to communicate with each other. They need to learn social skills, be supportive and understand each other. Second of all, I believe that now women and men should be treated in the same way. A woman nowadays has the same rights as a man. She also wants to make a good career and succeed. So, it is essential in the modern world to understand that knowledge has nothing to do with a sex. Everyone has the same access to the knowledge and experience and it is only up to a person how hard he or she wants to work to reach his or her goals. Another important aspect of this is that if children attend separate schools they do not have common interests. They do not know what a person of an opposite sex likes, how he or she spends her or his spare time, etc. I think that it is not good in a long run. Some of them will create a family someday and most likely will not have anything to share. They will not have common interests. They will have different friends and opinions about things. We had such experience a few centuries ago. Women grow up their children and men worked and gathered in the men' clubs in the evenings. I think it is not the way it should be. A family has many beautiful moments to share together. To sum up, I think that children should attend the same schools because it will help them to become great, attentive and kind persons. Moreover, they will learn how to respect each other's interests.
Whether boys and girls should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
separate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is a controversial issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits.
However
, others believe that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the future of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. In the following paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support my opinion.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beginning should learn how to communicate with each other. They need to learn social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, be supportive and understand each other. Second of all, I believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
women and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
should
be treated
in the same way
. A woman nowadays has the same rights as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
. She
also
wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
career and succeed.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is essential in the modern world to understand that knowledge has nothing to do with a sex. Everyone has the same access to the knowledge and experience and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
up to a person how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
he or she wants to work to reach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
goals.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of this is that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
separate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
they do not have common interests. They do not know what a person of an opposite sex likes, how he or she spends her or his spare time, etc. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in a long run.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them will create a family someday and most likely will not have anything to share. They will not have common interests. They will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
friends and opinions about things. We had such experience a few centuries ago. Women grow up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
worked and gathered in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
' clubs in the evenings. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it is not the way it should be. A family has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
moments to share together.

To sum up, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to become great, attentive and kind persons.
Moreover
, they will learn how to respect each other's interests.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The two pie charts given compares the proportion of people who commuted to the university by five different means of transport over the course of 5 years from 2004 to 2009. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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