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The table below shows the figures of imprisonment in 5 countries between 1930 and 1980 Write a report for a University lecturer describing the information shown below v.1

The table below shows the figures of imprisonment in 5 countries between 1930 and 1980 Write a report for a University lecturer describing the information shown below v. 1
There is no doubt that the society will become much better if young volunteers are participating in helping other people or the environment. However, despite many agree with doing so, I do not believe that teenagers should assist the society for free. Firstly, if the number of younger does almost the same jobs as companies' employees, there is no point allowing them to do so without getting paid. Even though they are still young and do no have as much experience as professionals, it does not mean people can take advantage of requesting them to work. Some people probably have other points of views to this while I would say that paying salary to teenagers can make them feel satisfied and encourages them to work diligently. Therefore, not only has it a lot of positive benefits to younger, but would be able to build up much energetic community. Another factor is that teenagers should get paid for servicing in community because it can help them to take responsibility for their living cost and learn how to be independent. The fact that when working for people, the majority of younger can understand each money they earn is not easy to obtain so they would be likely to use it wisely. For example, it is particularly true that most parents pay children for their tuition. As a result, some younger does not study hard since the money is not they earn from it and they do not really care about. In conclusion, although younger plays an important role in servicing the humanity, people should treat them as employee to pay salary. This is because doing so can support them to work hard as well as cherished their money and all of these have a definite positive impact on our community.
There is no doubt that the society will become much better if young volunteers are participating in helping other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or the environment.
However
, despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, I do not believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should assist the society for free.

Firstly
, if the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
does almost the same jobs as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
' employees, there is no point allowing them to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
without getting paid.
Even though
they are
still
young and do no have as much experience as professionals, it does not mean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can take advantage of requesting them to work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
probably
have other points of views to this while I would say that paying salary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel satisfied and encourages them to work
diligently
.
Therefore
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
has it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
would be able to build up much energetic community.

Another factor is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid for servicing in community
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to take responsibility for their living cost and learn how to be independent. The fact that when working for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
can understand each money they earn is not easy to obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they would be likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
wisely
.
For example
, it is
particularly
true that most parents pay children for their tuition.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
does not study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
since the money is not they earn from
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
it and
they do not
really
care about.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in servicing the humanity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should treat them as employee to pay salary. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
can support them to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
as well
as cherished their money and all of these have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on our community.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The table below shows the figures of imprisonment in 5 countries between 1930 and 1980 Write a report for a University lecturer describing the information shown below v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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