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the table below show the figures for imprisonment in five countries between 1930 and 1980. . Write a report for university lecturer describing the information shown below. v.1

the table below show the figures for imprisonment in five countries between 1930 and 1980. . Write a report for university lecturer describing the information shown below. v. 1
Few believe that the extra-curricular activities such as music, art and drama should be given equal priority as academic subjects, mainly for children under age twelve. Since each skill adds beauty to the society, encouraging schools to focus on teaching different abilities at an early age, would be a wise decision. This essay will further explain the reasons to support the given statement. Firstly, nurturing children’s potentials will result in a diverse society with different talents. Since childhood is a stage where it is easy to identify the knack one has, and also, it is the right age to grasp new learning, the educational institutions must not neglect the other forms of the elements. For example, Ken Medema, was challenged with vision, but due to her love towards music, she became a famous singer. Therefore, it is clearly proved that it is possible to build career in different fields, for the world is a place which welcomes all sorts of talents and this adds to its beauty. Moreover, students’ grades will improve when they add favourite leisure in their daily routine. Those students, who will undertake constant sports or music training, gradually progress in academic subjects. For instance, an IB school student, who undergoes rigorous training in both academic and non-academic classes, and by the end of his schooling, he will become an adult with multiple talents and most capable to showcase his potential to the world when compared to his counterparts who only study traditional subjects in other schools. In conclusion, since talent in music and the arts are most valued by people around the world, and also since it is what children enjoy doing, it should be additionally offered with normal curriculum. The inclusion of such classes will benefit students to progress in academics, and also fill the world with different skills.
Few believe that the extra-curricular activities such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, art and drama should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal priority as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
subjects,
mainly
for children under age twelve. Since each
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
beauty to the society, encouraging schools to focus on teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
abilities at an early age, would be a wise decision. This essay will
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reasons to support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement.

Firstly
, nurturing children’s potentials will result in a diverse society with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talents
. Since childhood is a stage where it is easy to identify the knack one has, and
also
, it is the right age to grasp new learning, the educational institutions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not neglect the other forms of the elements.
For example
, Ken
Possible spelling mistake found.
Medema
,
was challenged
with vision,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, she became a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
singer.
Therefore
, it is
clearly
proved that it is possible to build career in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
fields, for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is a place which welcomes all sorts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talents
and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
to its beauty.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
grades will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
leisure in their daily routine. Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, who will undertake constant sports or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
training,
gradually
progress in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
subjects.
For instance
, an IB school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, who undergoes rigorous training in both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
and non-academic classes, and by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of his schooling, he will become an adult with multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talents
and most capable to showcase his potential to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
when compared to his counterparts who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
study traditional subjects in other schools.

In conclusion
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and the arts are most valued by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, and
also
since it is what children enjoy doing, it should be
additionally
offered with normal curriculum. The inclusion of such classes will benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to progress in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academics
, and
also
fill the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the table below show the figures for imprisonment in five countries between 1930 and 1980. . Write a report for university lecturer describing the information shown below. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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