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The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, people live in the era of smartphones and Data science, in which a considerable amount of information is held by Internet-based companies. However, these collected data might be problematic. In this essay, some relevant discussions would be outlined. As mentioned before, there are increasing amounts of information in data centers of internet organizations. These companies collect the online information from mobile applications, websites and weblogs and using them to increase their efficiency. Thus, the provided services would be much more accurate than before, and forecast the needs of their users on the most updated information gathered from users' activities. For example, medical online applications updated their daily remainders of using medicine from their Big Data and insure the user of the accuracy of their medical procedures. In addition, the medical records of users could be updated by adding the recent comments of their doctors in the patients' profile. Besides, there are also some other applications such as online sport instructors, financial advisors or food ordering services which provide their services based on the recent attitudes and actions of their users in order to provide them with better suggestions. On the other hand, some people may hold the view that these collected data in data centers may empower internet-based companies with some critical knowledge of peoples' bahaviours and attitudes toward varies subjects. Although they could provide individuals with better services, they may have the opportunity of abusing them. Some sociologists believe that the obtained power from the collective information data center have had some profound effects on people's mass behaviors. According to a study conducted by national advisory of the US, the collected data in social networks' data centers have deliberately altered the people's attitudes in buying, voting and their personal priorities during the past 5 years. To summarize, I personally believe that collected information have a significant effect on the provided services by internet-based companies. However, the attributed powers might be problematic. Although the using of collective data centers is inevitable, there should be a powerful governmental authority to watch the proper usage of collected data.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the era of smartphones and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Data
science, in which a considerable amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is held
by Internet-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
However
, these collected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
might be problematic. In this essay,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
relevant discussions would
be outlined
.

As mentioned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, there are increasing amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
centers
of internet organizations. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
collect the online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
from mobile applications, websites and weblogs and using them to increase their efficiency.
Thus
, the provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
would be much more accurate than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, and forecast the needs of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
on the most updated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
gathered from users' activities.
For example
, medical online applications updated their daily remainders of using medicine from their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Data
and insure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
user
of the accuracy of their medical procedures.
In addition
, the medical records of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
could
be updated
by adding the recent comments of their doctors in the patients' profile.
Besides
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other applications such as online sport instructors, financial advisors or food ordering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
which provide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
based on the recent attitudes and actions of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in order to provide them with better suggestions.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may hold the view that these collected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
centers
may empower internet-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
critical knowledge of peoples'
Possible spelling mistake found.
bahaviours
and attitudes toward varies subjects. Although they could provide individuals with better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
, they may have the opportunity of abusing them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
sociologists believe that the obtained power from the collective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
center have had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
profound effects on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's mass behaviors. According to a study conducted by national advisory of the US, the collected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
in social networks'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
centers
have
deliberately
altered the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's attitudes in buying, voting and their personal priorities during the past 5 years.

To summarize
, I
personally
believe that collected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
have a significant effect on the provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
by internet-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
However
, the attributed powers might be problematic. Although the using of collective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
centers
is inevitable, there should be a powerful governmental authority to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the proper usage of collected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
.
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IELTS essay The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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