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The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? NrPYy
The huge internet companies and organisations acquire personal database which include users’ private knowledge. Although the disadvantages are not negligible such as; personal data share and violation of privacy, the advantages are much more significant, obtaining individualised services and solutions. On the one hand, there are substantial drawbacks related to personal information which held by organisations. The most significant one is malicious individuals or organizations might reach personal database by hacking or purchasing, and therefore the knowledge belonging to users can be marketed in online platforms to other application or company owners due to using knowledge for target group. Another substantial one, secret files, studies or images can be leaked by that organizations in order to reveal some unwanted information by users. Moreover, if this data is served to relevant institutions, having big impact on society, the info might be distributed every segment of society. Take apple’s iCloud accounts as well-known example; almost every actresses’ private images were published at online platforms, consequently this issue turned into crime. On the other hand, there are two major pros of storing information by companies to their users. The main one, taking more accurate consumer services which is individualised by the algorithm according to user actions on the web page or application. In other words, more tailored services can mitigate choosing new items and attaining better services with the assistance of customized applications that advise according to user needs. The other one, by becoming a member to any website, daily necessities can be fulfilled immediately, because of easy access and instant service. To exemplify, online bank account services cater for transferring many to all around the world or paying bills every moment without going to anywhere. By way of conclusion, while the privacy constitutes considerable concern withholding of private information by companies, the advantages getting more personalised service and meeting daily needs outweigh the disadvantages.
The huge internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
acquire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
database which include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users’
private knowledge. Although the disadvantages are not negligible such as;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data share and violation of privacy, the advantages are much more significant, obtaining
Possible spelling mistake. 'individualised' is British English.
individualised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
and solutions.

On the one hand, there are substantial drawbacks related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
which held by
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
. The most significant one is malicious individuals or
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organization' and 'organisation') within a single text.
organizations
might reach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
database by hacking or purchasing, and
therefore
the knowledge belonging to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
can
be marketed
in online platforms to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
application or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
owners due to using knowledge for target group. Another substantial one, secret files, studies or images can
be leaked
by that
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organization' and 'organisation') within a single text.
organizations
in order to reveal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unwanted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
.
Moreover
, if this data
is served
to relevant institutions, having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
impact on society, the info might
be distributed
every segment of society. Take
Did you mean the proper noun "Apple" (= technology company)?
apple
’s iCloud accounts
as well
-known example; almost every actresses’ private images
were published
at online platforms,
consequently
this issue turned into crime.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are two major pros of storing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
. The main one, taking more accurate consumer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
which is
Possible spelling mistake. 'individualised' is British English.
individualised
by the algorithm according to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
user
actions on the web page or application. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, more tailored
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
can mitigate choosing new items and attaining better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
with the assistance of customized applications that
Did you mean "advice" (noun)?
advise
according to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
user
needs. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
one, by becoming a member to any website, daily necessities can
be fulfilled
immediately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of easy access and instant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
. To exemplify, online bank account
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
cater for transferring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
to all around the world or paying bills every moment without going to anywhere.

By way of conclusion, while the privacy constitutes considerable concern withholding of private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, the advantages getting more
Possible spelling mistake. 'personalised' is British English.
personalised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
and meeting daily needs outweigh the disadvantages.
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IELTS essay The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 5.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
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