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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. nBYo
The number of young people who have gained excessive weight in the western society has risen around 20% since ten years ago. As we all know that our body’s condition determines our physical physical’s health, this overweight trend is very dangerous crucial. It is not only affecting their condition at present but also their the future generation will also be affected. These children’s condition is caused by eating too much junk food and lack of exercise. In Addition, this problem will impact both the children and their next generation to have a higher chance of getting obesity and diabetes. (diseases. Better for you to use another topic, not only disease). Overweight is a health problem which is caused by consuming a lot of junk foods and not doing sufficient exercise. Children’s body has the highest rate of metabolism, so it will be …. By eating too much junk food, their body’s metabolism will decrease and theytheyit cannot process the fat that they consume. Moreover, by having a lack of exercise, the energies that should be used for the activity will be stored inside the their body in a form of fat as well. Those factors will easily make the children gain more weight in a short time. Furthermore, children who have an overweight body will receive some drawbacks such as obesity and diabetes. Obesity is caused by abundant fats contained in the body, while the bad process of the body's metabolism will give a side effect such as diabetes. Also, their future generation will be impacted automatically. There’s a higher percentage of risk for them to have those same genetic health problems.
The number of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have gained excessive weight in the western society has risen around 20% since ten years ago. As we all know that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body’s
condition determines our
Possible typo: you repeated a word
physical physical
’s health, this overweight trend is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
crucial. It is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affecting their condition at present
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their the future generation will
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
condition
is caused
by eating too much junk food and lack of exercise.
In Addition
, this problem will impact both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their
next
generation to have a higher chance of getting obesity and diabetes. (diseases. Better for you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
another topic, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
disease).

Overweight is a health problem which
is caused
by consuming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
junk foods and not doing sufficient exercise.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
has the highest rate of metabolism,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it will be …. By eating too much junk food, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body’s
metabolism will decrease and
Possible spelling mistake found.
theytheyit
cannot process the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
that they consume.
Moreover
, by having a lack of exercise, the energies that should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the activity will
be stored
inside the their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
in a form of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
as well
. Those factors will
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
gain more weight in a short time.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have an overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
will receive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks such as obesity and diabetes. Obesity
is caused
by abundant fats contained in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
, while the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
process of the body's metabolism will give a side effect such as diabetes.
Also
, their future generation will
be impacted
automatically
. There’s a higher percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for them to have those same genetic health problems.

IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
272 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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