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The majority of the population / most people around the world are busier than ever putting in long hours at work and spending little time with their families and also missing out on their hobbies.

The majority of the population / most people around the world are busier than ever putting in long hours at work and spending little time with their families and also missing out on their hobbies. This trend has more drawbacks than benefits because it might affect them mentally and lead to health problems. In the first place, when we put in / spend long hours at work it will exhaust us both physically and mentally. In addition, it builds pressure / stress which might affect us in the long run. In reality, the human brain can work at its optimal level for only a few hours at a stretch. If we work beyond that our productivity and wellness will be affected. To demonstrate, many people who work in the software industry do not have a fixed time on their schedule and it prevents them from having a leisure activity like going for a walk or playing a sport. According to a survey people who do this kind of desk jobs are at potential risk for obesity, diabetes, and heart related issues. Not having enough time for leisure and family can also lead to conflicts within the family. People should be able to strike a work-life balance; spending the whole day at work will affect their relationship with their spouse and children. Burnout is another problem. When people work without a break, they lose the motivation to continue. Of course, there might be some minor advantages like earning overtime pay; however, this advantage is easily eclipsed by the major disadvantages of working without having time for leisure. In conclusion, long working hours not only hurt our productivity but also make us prone to developing various ailments. Hence, I believe that there are more disadvantages than advantages to this practice.
The majority of the population / most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world are busier than ever putting in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their families and
also
missing out on their hobbies. This trend has more drawbacks than benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it might affect them mentally and lead to health problems.

In the
first
place, when we put in / spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
it will exhaust us both
physically
and mentally.
In addition
, it builds pressure /
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
which might affect us in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
run.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
reality, the human brain can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at its optimal level for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at a stretch. If we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
beyond that our productivity and wellness will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
. To demonstrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the software industry do not have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on their
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
schedule and
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
them from having a leisure activity like going for a walk or playing a sport. According to a survey
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do this kind of desk jobs are at potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for obesity, diabetes, and heart related issues.

Not having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for leisure and family can
also
lead to conflicts within the family.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should be able to strike a work-life balance; spending the whole day at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will affect their relationship with their spouse and children. Burnout is another problem. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
without a break, they lose the motivation to continue.
Of course
, there might be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
minor advantages like earning overtime pay;
however
, this advantage is
easily
eclipsed by the major disadvantages of working without having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for leisure.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
hurt our productivity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us prone to developing various ailments.
Hence
, I believe that there are more disadvantages than advantages to this practice.
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IELTS essay The majority of the population / most people around the world are busier than ever putting in long hours at work and spending little time with their families and also missing out on their hobbies.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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