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The introduction of social network has had more positive effects on military ways of working and communicating than negative ones.

The introduction of social network has had more positive effects on military ways of working and communicating than negative ones. 15N6M
Social network sites have revolutionized the way of working and communicating, especially for defence force personnel. Recently, it has often been argued these platforms bring an easier access for connecting family bonds and showing the point of views. However, the opposite view has also been expressed. In this essay, it will be asserted the disadvantage aspects of social media for military personnel outweigh the advantages; regarding the probability of intelligence leaks and the spread of sensitive issues. First and foremost, social media sometimes is giving a boon for those military personnel who live far away from their families for their duties. In this situation they might posting their current situation and condition to bridge the gap between family bonds because of homesickness feelings; but it could lead to intelligence leaks. For instance, if military personnel are posting their situation during the war on a social media, the enemy would know where exactly their positions are by using the advancement of technology. The enemy may get easily to attack them as they recognise by hijacking the information which shown on social media. Hence, the usage of social media should be limited to those military personnel to avoid leaking of intelligence information. On the other hand, social network sites have been found useful for expressing people’s points of views, and military personnel are no exception. They could easily reveal their personal opinion since it could be done only just one single click on their phone at anytime and anywhere. For example, a soldier in the United States has been sacked because of arguing his government policy regarding a sensitive issue on Facebook. He was accused of disrespecting the president and conducting the nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces credibility. Therefore, presenting a personal opinion on social media brings a high risk for the military personnel because it represents the defence force in general. In conclusion, despite the fact that there are some advantages of social network sites on military ways of working and communicating, it is clear that social media brings about disadvantages to military personnel in terms of intelligence leaks and the spread of sensitive issues which lead to the thorny effects for not only military personnel themselves, but also the credibility of the defence force.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
network sites have revolutionized the way of working and communicating,
especially
for
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
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force
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personnel
. Recently, it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
been argued
these platforms
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
an easier access for connecting family bonds and showing the point of views.
However
, the opposite view has
also
been expressed
. In this essay, it will
be asserted
the disadvantage aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
for military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personnel
outweigh the advantages; regarding the probability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligence
leaks and the spread of sensitive issues.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
The adverb 'sometimes' usually goes after the verb 'is'.
sometimes is
giving a boon for those military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personnel
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
far away from their families for their duties. In this situation they might
The verb 'might' requires the base form of the verb: "post"
posting
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
situation and condition to bridge the gap between family bonds
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of homesickness feelings;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it could lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligence
leaks.
For instance
, if military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personnel
are posting their situation during the war on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, the enemy would know where exactly their positions are by using the advancement of technology. The enemy may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easily
to attack them as they
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognise' is British English.
recognise
by hijacking the information which shown on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
Hence
, the usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
should
be limited
to those military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personnel
to avoid leaking of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligence
information.

On the other hand
,
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social
network sites have
been found
useful for expressing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s points of views, and military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personnel
are no exception. They could
easily
reveal their personal opinion since it could
be done
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one single click on their phone at anytime and anywhere.
For example
, a soldier in the United States has
been sacked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of arguing his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
policy regarding a sensitive issue on Facebook. He
was accused
of disrespecting the president and conducting the nature to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
discredit upon the armed
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "forces'" or "force's"?
forces
credibility.
Therefore
, presenting a personal opinion on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
a high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for the military
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personnel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it represents the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
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force
in general
.

In conclusion
, despite the fact that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
network sites on military ways of working and communicating, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
about disadvantages to military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personnel
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligence
leaks and the spread of sensitive issues which lead to the thorny effects for not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personnel
themselves,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the credibility of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
force
.
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IELTS essay The introduction of social network has had more positive effects on military ways of working and communicating than negative ones.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
377 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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