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the increasing wealth and fam of sports stars

the increasing wealth and fam of sports stars L3YPG
As the media progresses, these days sports stars have gained more fame and exposure to the media. This leads to a considerably high increase in their revenue, followed by fame and wealth they obtained, as well as the benefit of getting attention on sports rises over time. However, some might argue otherwise, saying their popularity and prosperity have a negative influence on society. As both arguments rise, I would say sports stars deserve the fame and wealth gained by their hard work. Firstly, it is widely known that some people think athletes do not deserve an equal amount of respect as the people pursuing more highly regarded careers such as doctors and engineers. Nonetheless, the hard work and dedication they have put into their field of career are as significant as other people pursuing those highly entitled careers. To be able to achieve the title of a sports star, a person needs to undergo an intensified course of training regularly. Not to mention the great amount of passion required to maintain their practice routine. Secondly, some people argue on how sports stars are undeserving of the fame and financial rewards they gain, as they work to entertain the public. While in fact, their underappreciated perseverance in sports is not something that can be easily missed when we watch sports matches and tournaments. Furthermore, athletes’ fighting spirit can be deemed motivational for a lot of people, especially the ones taking interest in the sports media. To sum it up, sports stars have a huge positive influence on a lot of people’s lives. Thus it is sensible that they acquire the wealth and media coverage for their contributions. Moreover, it is only appropriate for us to support them in their career.
As the media progresses, these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
have gained more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
and exposure to the media. This leads to a
considerably
high increase in their revenue, followed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
and wealth they obtained,
as well
as the benefit of getting attention on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
rises over time.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
might argue
otherwise
, saying their popularity and prosperity have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on society. As both arguments rise, I would say
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
deserve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
and wealth gained by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.

Firstly
, it is
widely
known that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
athletes do not deserve an equal amount of respect as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pursuing more
highly
regarded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
such as doctors and engineers. Nonetheless, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and dedication they have put into their field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
are as significant as other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pursuing those
highly
entitled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
. To be able to achieve the title of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
star, a person needs to undergo an intensified course of training
regularly
. Not to mention the great amount of passion required to maintain their practice routine.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue on how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
are undeserving of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
and financial rewards they gain, as they work to entertain the public. While in fact, their underappreciated perseverance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is not something that can be
easily
missed when we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
matches and tournaments.
Furthermore
, athletes’ fighting spirit can
be deemed
motivational for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
the ones taking interest in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
media.

To sum it up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
have a huge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is sensible that they acquire the wealth and media coverage for their contributions.
Moreover
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
appropriate for us to support them in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
.
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IELTS essay the increasing wealth and fam of sports stars

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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