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The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. To what extent do you agree?

The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. GPDQ
Modern government spread budget among many aspects of ordinary life. Authorities create opportunity to exist army, police, medicine, science, road buildings and other. Some people think that government should increase budget one of the state direction and decrease another, such as lower finance from arts and give them to education. In my opinion, every segment of our life are crucial and forget one of them not imposable. On the one hand, every countries have their own identity and arts present this identity to the hall world. For example, modern Ukrainian musicians, such as «Kazka», introduce Ukraine on the world arena and attract to our country more and more foreign tourists. Moreover, arts are not only musicians, it is national buildings and national clothes or amateur and folk arts, which are identity of region too. Those sectors are capable to bring benefits to budget either. On the other hand, education of new generation of citizens is a crucial issue of every States and the better education authorities are given for young people, the more benefits they give for their country in the future. However, arts are helping to increase the education to the high level and this is opportunity to develop youth from other different sides. In conclusion, every of state's directions are important for citizens of the country and forgetting one of them, very easily will be lost other. As was mention, exist connection between arts and education and if authorities prefer one of them, they loos many of profits to their country.
Modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
spread budget among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects of ordinary life. Authorities create opportunity to exist army, police, medicine, science, road buildings and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should increase budget one of the state direction and decrease another, such as lower finance from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and give them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. In my opinion, every segment of our life are crucial and forget one of them not
Possible spelling mistake found.
imposable
.

On the one hand, every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "country"?
countries
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
identity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
present this identity to the hall world.
For example
, modern Ukrainian musicians, such as «
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kazka
», introduce Ukraine on the world arena and attract to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
more and more foreign tourists.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
musicians, it is national buildings and national clothes or amateur and folk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, which are identity of region too. Those sectors are capable to bring benefits to budget either.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
of new generation of citizens is a crucial issue of every States and the better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
authorities are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, the more benefits they give for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in the future.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are helping to increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to the high level and this is opportunity to develop youth from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sides.

In conclusion
, every of state's directions are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for citizens of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and forgetting one of them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
will
be lost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. As was mention, exist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and if authorities prefer one of them, they loos
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of profits to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
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IELTS essay The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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