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The following appeared in the business section of a newspaper."Given that the number of people in our country with some form of arthritis is expected to rise from 40 million to 60 million over the next twenty years, pharmaceutical companies that produce d

The following appeared in the business section of a newspaper. " Given that the number of people in our country with some form of arthritis is expected to rise from 40 million to 60 million over the next twenty years, pharmaceutical companies that produce d BJW6m
In the business section, the author concludes that Perkins Pharmaceuticals will be the most profitable company and its new drug will be more popular among those patients who suffer from arthritis. To support his argument, the author tries to make a comparison between two kinds of the drugs produced by two different pharmaceutical firms, however, the comparison does not contain sufficient evidence to bolster his argument. Besides, the author fails to substantiate his argument based on some unwarranted assumptions and unconvincing explanations, which weakens the recommendation in every aspect. To begin with, the author ignores other feasible method to treat arthritis. Firstly, the given information does not explicitly point out the extent of severity of arthritis, it only says some form of arthritis, which means that people might only get some small symptoms and do not need to take any medicine. Thus, the arguer cannot prove that drugs from each company could be so necessary for the treatment. There is a variety of ways to help people from being suffered by arthritis. For example, people could have yoga lessons or do exercise everyday to accelerate the speed of blood and strengthen their bones condition. Or perhaps, they just only to participate in outdoor activities with the sunshine shedding from the sun, which can save people a lot of money. In addition, any kind of drug always has some amount of side effects people are not familiar with. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author's conclusion remains dubious at best. Secondly, the author fails to provide any evidence to prove that the quality of the drug from each of two companies. Even though many analysts believe that people will buy the drugs for the treatment of arthritis, it does not provide any convincing statistics that the drugs manufactured by the two companies are effective in curing arthritis. Moreover, people prefer purchasing Xylan rather than Xenon, which does not necessarily indicate that the quality of overall drugs produced by Becton company is worse than Perkins company. The given information also mentions that 7 out 10 patients suffering from the most extreme cases of arthritis choose Xylan, which does not necessarily point out that Xylan has the same effect on other less severe cases of arthritis. Nobody wants to take the medicine that does not work well for their health. Without taking these into consideration, the arguer's conclusion remains untenable as it stands. Thirdly, The author fails to do a lot of research about other new drugs treatment for arthritis in ten years, then, hastily drawing the conclusion. With the development of advanced technology and medical treatment, there is a myriad of advanced clinical experiments will work on the treatment for arthritis. Hundreds of thousands scientists and medical professors are making huge efforts in creating more healthier drugs for people to take if they have the symptoms of arthritis. However, these two drugs will be totally left behind in the aspect of being effective and healthy. Without ruling out these scientific researching results, the argument remains unconvincing as it stands. All in all, if the trend that more and more people will suffer from arthritis, doctors and scientists will devote their time and energy in making people feel better and live healthier. Companies cannot only pursue the huge profit and forget to advance the quality of their drugs, which will bring about undesired consequence. Patients also need to go to the hospital and see the doctor before they hastily purchase any kind of medicine. If the author could co-write with more scientists and doctors, then, the conclusion will be more persuasive than it is now.
In the business section, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
concludes that Perkins Pharmaceuticals will be the most profitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
and its new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
will be more popular among those patients who suffer from arthritis. To support his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
tries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a comparison between two kinds of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
produced by two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
pharmaceutical firms,
however
, the comparison
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not contain sufficient evidence to bolster his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
.
Besides
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
fails to substantiate his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
based on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unwarranted assumptions and unconvincing explanations, which weakens the recommendation in every aspect.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignores
other feasible method to treat arthritis.
Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not
explicitly
point out the extent of severity of arthritis, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
says
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
form of arthritis, which means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
symptoms and do not need to take any medicine.
Thus
, the arguer cannot prove that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
from each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
necessary for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
. There is a variety of ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
being suffered
by arthritis.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could have yoga lessons or do exercise
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
to accelerate the speed of blood and strengthen their bones condition. Or perhaps, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
to participate in outdoor activities with the sunshine shedding from the sun, which can save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.
In addition
, any kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
always has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amount of side effects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not familiar with. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
remains dubious at best.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
fails to provide any evidence to prove that the quality of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
from each of two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
Even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
analysts believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
of arthritis, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not provide any convincing statistics that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
manufactured by the two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are effective in curing arthritis.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer purchasing
Possible spelling mistake found.
Xylan
rather
than Xenon, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not
necessarily
indicate that the quality of
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
produced by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Becton
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is worse than Perkins
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
information
also
mentions that 7 out 10 patients suffering from the most extreme cases of arthritis choose
Possible spelling mistake found.
Xylan
, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not
necessarily
point out that
Possible spelling mistake found.
Xylan
has the same effect on other less severe cases of arthritis. Nobody wants to take the medicine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
does
not work well for their health. Without taking these into consideration, the arguer's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
remains untenable as it stands.

Thirdly
, The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
fails to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
research about other new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
for arthritis in ten years, then,
hastily
drawing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
. With the development of advanced technology and medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
, there is a myriad of advanced clinical experiments will work on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
for arthritis. Hundreds of thousands scientists and medical professors are making huge efforts in creating
Use only "healthier" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to take if they have the symptoms of arthritis.
However
, these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
will be
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
behind in the aspect of being effective and healthy. Without ruling out these scientific researching results, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
remains unconvincing as it stands.

All in all, if the trend that more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will suffer from arthritis, doctors and scientists will devote their time and energy in making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel better and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
healthier.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
pursue the huge profit and forget to advance the quality of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
, which will bring about undesired consequence. Patients
also
need to go to the hospital and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the doctor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they
hastily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
any kind of medicine. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
could co-write with more scientists and doctors, then, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
will be more persuasive than it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
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IELTS essay The following appeared in the business section of a newspaper. " Given that the number of people in our country with some form of arthritis is expected to rise from 40 million to 60 million over the next twenty years, pharmaceutical companies that produce d

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
602 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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