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The developments in technology allow more and more machines to be used rather than human employees. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

The developments in technology allow more and more machines to be used rather than human employees. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? O7od
Nowadays, rapid advancement of technology has made companies more dependent on latest machineries than on their human resources. However, I would argue that technological development has made more beneficial effects on our work life. Usage of updated invention of technology rather than human employees has some drawbacks. One of these is the growth of unemployment. This is because nowadays employers are reducing their human workers and are limiting their financial budgets for their salaries. For example, a readymade garment is used to produce shirts by using several number of people for cutting, sewing, knitting and packaging. Eventually now they have utilised such newest technologies to make garment products that can do all tasks together and also in short intervals. Consequently, the employers does not require a maximum number of workers than before which leads to unemployment issues. Although in my opinion, development of technology in our workplace has some tremendous advantages. One of these is mass production. This is because utilisation of latest manufacturing techniques and equipments in factories. For instance, a packaging company now produces a great number of boxes or packages than ever before by using newest machines within time limits and less costs. Also they export products to earn a vast amount of cash than their previous years. As a result, modern equipments are turning into a blessing for our country’s economy. To encapsulate, the harm of unemployment can be minimised through some combined efforts from conscious citizens and authorities by creating opportunities of job/business such as, ride sharing, food delivery, online products delivery, e commerce etc in technological platform. Since this development of technology can be employed to remove unemployment alongside it’s intrinsic benefit of reducing time, cost and effort through mass and customised production of consumer goods. I personally believe it is more advantageous for humans.
Nowadays, rapid advancement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
more dependent on latest
Possible spelling mistake found.
machineries
than on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
resources.
However
, I would argue that technological development has made more beneficial effects on our work life. Usage of updated invention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
employees has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks. One of these is the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nowadays employers are reducing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
workers and are limiting their financial budgets for their salaries.
For example
, a
Possible spelling mistake found.
readymade
garment is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to produce shirts by using
Possible agreement error. The noun number seems to be countable; consider using: "several numbers".
several number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for cutting, sewing, knitting and packaging.
Eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they have
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
such newest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
garment products that can do all tasks together and
also
in short intervals.
Consequently
, the employers does not require a maximum number of workers than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
which leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
issues.

Although in my opinion, development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in our workplace has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tremendous advantages. One of these is mass production. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilisation' is British English.
utilisation
of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
manufacturing techniques and equipments in factories.
For instance
, a packaging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
produces a great number of boxes or packages than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
by using
A determiner is probably missing here: "the newest".
newest
machines within time limits and
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun costs is countable.
less
costs.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
they export products to earn a vast amount of
Use "(cash)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
cash
than their previous years.
As a result
, modern equipments are turning into a blessing for our country’s economy.

To encapsulate, the harm of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimised' is British English.
minimised
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
combined efforts from conscious citizens and authorities by creating opportunities of job/business such as, ride sharing, food delivery, online
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "products'" or "product's"?
products
delivery,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
e commerce
etc in technological platform. Since this development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can
be employed
to remove
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
alongside
Did you mean "its intrinsic benefit"?
it’s intrinsic benefit
of reducing time, cost and effort through mass and
Possible spelling mistake. 'customised' is British English.
customised
production of consumer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
. I
personally
believe it is more advantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
.
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IELTS essay The developments in technology allow more and more machines to be used rather than human employees. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
301 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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