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the development of celebrities

the development of celebrities 6dEMK
Nowadays, celebrities from all over the world are increasing rapidly. It comes from many type of the entertainment industry such as model, singer, actor. They attracted many young people by their beauty and talent. In my opinion, I saw this is a positive development if we look at the right side of its. First of all, celebrities are someone who will appear almost everywhere and they a good image and reputation. So it will be a good thing when young people see them as their role model. Because when they see what their idols are doing, if it good they would look forward to it and maybe learn from them. Even though, there are some of the celebrities who involves in bad scandal but there are still a lot of famous people who have a really good personalities. Young people can also see them as their guild to lead them to what they like. Such as who interesting in fashion, they will look for some model or singer who have a good fashion taste, it will help them a lot to have an idea of what they are going to wear or further more giving their to create more goods for fashion industry. It is a good way to learn and enjoy at them same time when they can study and also watch the person they like. Overall, even though there are some celebrities having a bad image, but it is not a whole industry, there are still a lot of famous people who have a really good personality and help people a lot. So for me, I think it is a positive development when young people look at the celebrities as their role model. As long as they know how to love and learn selectively, it will be very useful development
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
from all over the world are increasing
rapidly
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from
Possible agreement error. The noun type seems to be countable; consider using: "many types".
many type
of the entertainment industry such as
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model
, singer, actor. They attracted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by their beauty and talent. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development if we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
The usual prepositions to use when in contact with the side is "on" not "in". Did you mean "on the right side"?
at the right side
of its.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
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celebrities
are someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
will appear almost
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
everywhere and
they a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
image and reputation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it will be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
thing when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
them as their role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
what their idols are doing, if
It seems that a verb is missing after "it". Please verify.
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
they would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
forward to it and maybe learn from them.

Even though
, there are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
involves in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
scandal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
still
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
personalities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
them as their guild to lead them to what they like. Such as
Did you mean "whom"?
who
interesting in fashion, they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
or singer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
fashion taste, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them a
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lot
to have an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of what they are going to wear or
further
more giving their to create more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
for fashion industry. It is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
way to learn and enjoy at them same time when they can study and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the person they like.

Overall
,
even though
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
image,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not a whole industry, there are
still
a
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lot
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
personality and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
for me, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
as their role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
. As long as they know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and learn
selectively
, it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
development
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IELTS essay the development of celebrities

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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