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The chart below shows the unemployment rate and the number of people leaving Ireland from 1988 and 2008. v.1

The chart below shows the unemployment rate and the number of people leaving Ireland from 1988 and 2008. v. 1
In this contemporary world, technology such as the internet has dominated all spheres of life in a significant way. In recent years, shopping through the net has gained more attention among the people than the traditional method of shopping in stores. This essay will explain why this technique of purchasing materials must be considered an optimistic evolution. To begin with, most individuals have less leisure period in recent years because of which online shopping is a best option for them as it is more convenient. Most people are money-minded nowadays, so they prefer spending more time working or engaging themselves in some activities which aids in escalating their financial status or creativity rather than wasting time shopping in stores. To illustrate, a survey taken recently by the Nepal Data Office stated that 78% of the masses choose to shop through the data network due to their hectic work schedule. Hence, shopping using the net has been a boon for such workaholic people, and also for some other reasons. Furthermore, one can easily invest in any international products through such a method of shopping. Individuals are extremely fascinated in purchasing foreign materials because of its quality and effectiveness and various online websites have made it possible to acquire such products of any brands within a few days. For instance, the Japanese Custom Office asserted that the ratio of the people purchasing items manufactured in another nation through the cyberspace has mounted which had a pragmatic effect in the economy of the country. In conclusion, purchasing materials through online is a positive growth as it aids in allocating their spare period for spending with loved ones or participating in other creative events rather than wasting time in selecting things visiting markets. Also, obtaining foreign products has become easier through online shopping.
In this contemporary world, technology such as the internet has dominated all spheres of life
Consider replacing "in a significant way" with the adverb for "significant"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a significant way
. In recent years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
the net has gained more attention among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than the traditional method of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in stores. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why this technique of purchasing materials
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be considered
an optimistic evolution.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, most individuals have less leisure period in recent years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best option for them as it is more convenient. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are money-minded nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they prefer spending more time working or engaging themselves in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activities which aids in escalating their financial status or creativity
rather
than wasting time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in stores. To illustrate, a survey taken recently by the Nepal Data Office stated that 78% of the masses choose to shop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
the data network due to their hectic work schedule.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
using the net has been a boon for such workaholic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and
also
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other reasons.

Furthermore
, one can
easily
invest in any international products
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
such a method of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. Individuals are
extremely
fascinated in purchasing foreign materials
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its quality and effectiveness and various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
websites have made it possible to acquire such products of any brands within a few days.
For instance
, the Japanese Custom Office asserted that the ratio of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
purchasing items manufactured in another nation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
the cyberspace has mounted which had a pragmatic effect in the economy of the country.

In conclusion
, purchasing materials
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
growth as it aids in allocating their spare period for spending with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones or participating in other creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
rather
than wasting time in selecting things visiting markets.
Also
, obtaining foreign products has become easier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below shows the unemployment rate and the number of people leaving Ireland from 1988 and 2008. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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