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The best way to deal with the growing number of overweight teenagers is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. Do you agree or disagree?

The best way to deal with the growing number of overweight teenagers is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. JVdME
More and more people are getting overweight at a young age. Therefore, in my opinion, introducing more physical education lessons in the school curriculum is necessary. Doing sports is the easiest yet the most effective way to deal with the growing number of overweight teenagers. First, it can improve a student's body shape. Having a good body shape not only improves your attractiveness but also improves your mood. According to the research, exercising can increase your level of endorphins and many more brain chemicals to make you feel happy. Thus, doing sports should not be too unpleasant for anyone including obese teenagers. Second, it may be able to help overweight students deal with their emotional issues. Obesity can cause anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and more. Doing sports may help them reduce these symptoms. According to Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health, running for 15 minutes a day or walking for an hour reduces the risk of major depression by 26%. To sum up, every school should introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. Having more physical education lessons not only can help overweight students keep fit, but it also improves your mental health in a very effective way.
More and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
at a young age.
Therefore
, in my opinion, introducing more physical education lessons in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum is necessary. Doing sports is the easiest
yet
the most effective way to deal with the growing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

First
, it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
a student's body shape. Having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
body shape not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improves
your attractiveness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improves
your mood. According to the research, exercising can increase your level of endorphins and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more brain chemicals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you feel happy.
Thus
, doing sports should not be too unpleasant for anyone including obese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

Second, it may be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
students deal with their emotional issues. Obesity can cause anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and more. Doing sports may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
these symptoms. According to Harvard T. H. Chan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
of Public Health, running for 15 minutes a day or walking for an hour
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of major depression by 26%.

To sum up, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should introduce more physical education lessons in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum. Having more physical education lessons not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improves
your mental health in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
effective way.
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IELTS essay The best way to deal with the growing number of overweight teenagers is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
202 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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