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the amount of purchase of tea and coffee as well as the drinking habits in five different cities of Australia over the course of last 3 weeks

the amount of purchase of tea and coffee as well as the drinking habits in five different cities of Australia over the course of last 3 weeks Xo0YE
The chart illustrates the amount of purchase of tea and coffee as well as the drinking habits in five different cities of Australia over the course of last 3 weeks. Looking from an overall view, it is clearly shown that the most common choice for drinking coffee of five cities is going to a café for coffee or tea, while the unpopular way is purchasing fresh coffee. A quick glance at the chart suggests that the city has the highest figure for going to a café is Melbourne with approximately around 64%. Meanwhile Hobart comes in second place in term of enjoying coffee and tea at a café with the figure slightly shorter than Melbourne. Following that is Sydney, Brisbane and Adelaide with roughly 61%, 55% and 49%, respectively. Moving on to the next catergory is instant coffee, which Hobart sees the largest percentage compares to the rest. Brisbane and Adelaide followed after along with 53% and 50%. After which is Melbourne with Sydney are only roughly 48% and 46%. Finally, Brisbane being the lowest percentage in purchasing fresh coffee is only about 34%. Up next is Adelaide which is a bit higher. While the remaining cities such as Hobart and Melbourne takes the fourth and third place due to having 38% and and 43% in fresh coffee buyers. Sydney having the highest figure among the rest with up to 44% amount of fresh coffee consumption.
The chart illustrates the amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
of tea and
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coffee
as well
as the drinking habits in five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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cities
of Australia over the course of last 3 weeks. Looking from an
overall
view, it is
clearly
shown that the most common choice for drinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coffee
of five
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is going to a café for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coffee
or tea, while the unpopular way is purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fresh
coffee.

A quick glance at the chart suggests that the city has the highest figure for going to a café is Melbourne with approximately around 64%.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Meanwhile
Hobart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
in second place in term of enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coffee
and tea at a café with the figure
slightly
shorter than Melbourne. Following
that is
Sydney, Brisbane and Adelaide with roughly 61%, 55% and 49%,
respectively
.

Moving on to the
next
Possible spelling mistake found.
catergory
is instant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coffee
, which Hobart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
the largest percentage compares to the rest. Brisbane and Adelaide followed after along with 53% and 50%. After which is Melbourne with Sydney are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
roughly 48% and 46%.
Finally
, Brisbane being the lowest percentage in purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coffee
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about 34%. Up
next
is Adelaide which is a bit higher. While the remaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
such as Hobart and Melbourne takes the fourth and third place due to having 38%
Possible typo: you repeated a word
and and
43% in
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fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coffee
buyers. Sydney having the highest figure among the rest with up to 44% amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coffee
consumption.
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IELTS essay the amount of purchase of tea and coffee as well as the drinking habits in five different cities of Australia over the course of last 3 weeks

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
236 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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