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Do you agree or disagree with following statement? successful people try new things and risks rather than only doing what already know how to do well.

successful people try new things and risks rather than only doing what already know how to do well. Lr9l3
First of all, the most important reason that businessmen must take new things is that consumer’s demands for something new and innovation never diminish, especially for fashion and entertainment industrials. For fashion, the style maybe going out for even one or two weeks. Therefore, to keep up with the consumers want. Companies are forced their employers to bring out new ideas and often make bold moves. Also, why video games are so popular these days, because of their new and motivate video games especially on new consoles such as ps4 and Xbox one. For instance, batman the Arkham knight is best game for many players because, the company which provides the game is trying new things, gadget and story line in order to attract new players. Least but not last, why people should take risks because of the term ''competition''. Therefore, successful people must take new things in order to succeed in their business. Today’s, many companies are enrolling for business but, those who are using new methods, outline and new ways always is more successful than others. As an illustration, since I was kid, my father gave me and my brother some money and told us to do something profitable with your money. My brother put his money in the bank but, I decided to buy something that its value become more and more over period of the time such as gold ring and if I were my brother, I would try to buy something even more valuable than me. Conclusively, do successful people take more chance than those who do things they are accustomed to do well? The answer is absolutely yes. Today’s, taking the risks has become important part of daily life. Success does not come from nothing. Taking risks could be dangerous gamble, but it is the price we have to pay for success.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason that businessmen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things is that consumer’s demands for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
and innovation never diminish,
especially
for fashion and entertainment industrials. For fashion, the style maybe going out for even one or two weeks.
Therefore
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the consumers want.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
are forced
their employers to bring out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
bold
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
.
Also
, why video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
popular these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
and motivate video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
especially
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
consoles such as ps4 and Xbox one.
For instance
, batman the Arkham knight
A determiner is probably missing here: "is the best".
is best
game for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
players
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which provides the game is trying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things, gadget and story line in order to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
players.

Least
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not last, why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the term ''competition''.
Therefore
, successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things in order to succeed in their business.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
’s,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are enrolling for business
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, those who are using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
methods, outline and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
ways always is more successful than others. As an illustration, since I was kid, my father gave me and my brother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
us to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
profitable with your money. My brother put his money in the bank
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, I decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
that its value become more and more over period of the time such as gold ring and if I were my brother, I would try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
even more valuable than me.

Conclusively
, do successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
take more chance than those who do things they are
The verb 'are' is used with the gerund form: "accustomed to doing".
accustomed to do
well? The answer is
absolutely
yes.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
’s, taking the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of daily life. Success does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from nothing. Taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
gamble,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is the price we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay for success.
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IELTS essay successful people try new things and risks rather than only doing what already know how to do well.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
308 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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